Forgiving myself

I was driving home when my Spotify started playing a song from when I used to date my first boyfriend. Listening to those songs used to send shiver down my spine, but it weirdly got me smiling, reminiscing just how fucking dumb we both were. Looking back, maybe I wouldn’t date me either, so catastrophic! Haha I am not saying he did not make mistakes as well though, we both made mistakes, we both moved on.

I suddenly felt proud, like I had just grown another inch in the ladder of wisdom lol. I actually found it funny, how crazy was I! I spent the last few minutes driving home laughing while reminiscing those moments. I used to think that I had forgiven them and that was enough, turned out I needed to forgive myself first for it to be really okay. I used to be that girl tweeting if I were you I would never let me go yo bitch get off your high horse?! Like right now I can actually think of when did I go wrong. It was like watching YouTube videos of your mistakes while sipping Kirks Creamy Cotton Candy (I am currently addicted to this) and giving commentaries (or mockeries, tbh), accepting that you were at fault as well. This is big for me. I won’t say I am a Leo it would be terror to get me to admit I make mistakes but I did once think my damage was minimum. I used to think I had done everything I could. No surprises here, I did not. I had issues, I know.

Well, the past is a past. This came to my mind at a one random day and it was gone before I even parked my car. I missed my blog this arvo, and I recalled I had this epiphany that I thought would be great being written here. Please do not remind me of any pregnancy-motherhood related posts I said I would but I did not, remember people make mistakes and I am 100% human.

Yes I am calling you guys out with this post

I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy last week, but this post won’t be talking about that.

Yesterday I had a lovely visit from Maternal & Child Health nurses and for once, I actually believe in myself to raise this bub on our own without having to fly my family here. Here in Oz we always have supports and helps! When I told the nurses about how I was told I was not producing enough milk for bub, they immediately told me to ignore that rudeness and they also provided factual reasons that can contribute to bub losing weight that was STILL in the normal range. They kept encouraging me that I feed him enough from the look of his color & his wet nappies & that they will always be there to guide me in every way. I honestly wanted to hug them and cry a bit lol :p

The interesting part from yesterday is husband opened our home to visitors, and the first ones were his bestfriends.

Can you guess what is the first sentence coming out from his friend’s mouth?

You look like a whale

His wife immediately responded with ‘yeah Nara wasn’t this puffy and swollen before? She’s swollen after giving birth? Look at her lips?’

I smiled, and said ‘yeah it was because I was on IV all day during my epidural and this is the remaining fluid’. After that, I went to my room and nursed bub because he was crying. Phew thank God, at least one of us got to cry easily.

I stayed in my room and called my husband to bring my phone. I then said to him please make them leave. He was like wut? don’t kid. finish your nursing and come back outside. I ignored him and only came back 10 minutes prior to them leaving.

After they left, I told husband I did not like the way they spoke. However, my husband, as always, just brushed it off and told me they were kidding, you were being oversensitive, blahblah and to be honest, I was too tired to explain to him the basic decency of not being an asshole to other people in relation to their figures. Up until this point I do believe he still thinks I am being oversensitive, and despite all the readings and references and quotes from other people& sources I can actually give him, I think I’ll pass and just call him out this way. It is really hard to explain this for the second time without crying, because if I cry, he will just be more convinced that I am being oversensitive. So here’s to you, babe, thank you for not standing up for me.

Meanwhile, for them, I no longer have words. As far as I can remember, I never once said something hurtful about their physical appearances. Or even insulting in general, because they are way older than me and I had always respected them. This time, I honestly think they have crossed the line.

I just do not get the idea of saying something like that especially to a new mom who’s not even 10 days postpartum? What was on their mind? What’s wrong with them? What’s wrong with my husband brushing my hurt easily like that? Since when it is considered okay to talk like that? I am way younger than you all, is that a reason to think it’s okay to stomp on me like that?

How did you expect me to react? Haha I know, my body is disgusting like a whale? or Yeah I guess I turned to a fatso a little too late, eh?

Do you want me to hate my body that has endured 9 months of massive changes and actually carried a tiny human inside me?

Do you want me to spiral into depression to think how swollen I am right now because I suffer post natal edema instead of patting myself on the back because I just grew and pushed a tiny human?

There are a lot of hurtful things I can say to attack but to be honest, I just want you to know that it is not okay to say things like that to anyone and I also want to thank you for all the times spent together because to be honest, I cannot see myself surrounded by your kind of people in the future and I do not know how to be OK the next time we see each other so

The Moment I Knew

Yeah, I know it is freaking late to write posts about pregnancy while I am now in 30 weeks, but I want to commemorate myself and this journey later on so better late than never!

That moment I knew

I have always been that girl who never has routinely scheduled period, and after a lot of uh-I-am-late-I-might-be-pregnant moments resulting in disappointment, I never really care about late period.

I did check up though to my GP who is specialized in Women’s Health (I love you, Dr. Magda!) few months back. She tested me & my uterus, but nothing seemed to be out of place. She told me to get prenatal vitamin just to prepare my body during my trying-to-conceive phase, I tried Blackmore but she told me to try Elevit instead. I was happy since BM made me constipated lol. That BM I got is specific for people who’s trying to conceive, but Elevit can be used even for breastfeeding. During the first few weeks after I routinely consumed Elevit, I tested myself almost every missed period, but somehow it got tiring and at that moment I was starting my new job so my focus shifted a bit. It was back in February.

My work had consumed me (+ increase my alcohol consumption because we often went out for Friday meeting :p) and I started to not taking any Elevit because tbh I forgot! Weeks went by, I was back to my old lifestyle when I was working (eating & drinking shits lol) I completely forgot the conceiving part. Then April came, my coworker invited me to go to dinner after office for her birthday. I checked my ovulation app (I was using Flo) just to double check if I was good to have few drinks that day. Drinking before period came usually intensify the blood discharge ergh. What did I know, I missed my period for a week that day! Out of curiosity I decided to buy testpack to humour myself. Then, this happened.

I was shocked and ran back to the office. I asked a woman in my office if she could know whether it was indeed positive or not (because the line is so faint) and she said yes, not sure if she should be happy or not because she did not know whether I was expecting one or not lol. When I screamed in happiness, she also yelled and we both jumped! Whoa I fell pregnant!

I called some people (my mom, his mom) and I booked Uber then went straight to Rey’s office because I. just. had. to. tell. him. immediately. After he finished his meeting and went out of the door, I hugged him and I cried (he was like wtf babe r u ok) then I showed him the testpack. I saw his eyes were wet I swear to God! lol. I then dragged him to home immmediately (it was only 4 PM but who cared, amirite?!). It was Thursday, and I called my GP to secure an appointment the following Monday. That night, I slept with a smile on my face.

The following day though, I spent almost $100 just for testpacks which I did every day. 

Meetings with GP

When I met my GP, she ordered a blood test and to add to my anxiety, the nurse called me the next day to see my GP immediately. All the worst things that I could imagine came rushing through my scared mind. What if I was wrong? What if it was a false positive? What if turns out my HcG was actually low and those test packs were just fucking with me? I got so scared I cried myself to sleep that night.

When I finally saw my GP again, she only told me that my thyroid was low I needed to up my dosage. So then I asked ‘Does that mean I am really pregnant?’ She said, to my happiness, ‘oh you are pregnant, you are really pregnant.’

After that, she asked me whether I wanted public or private obgyn because then she would write a referral. In here, we cannot just go straight to obgyn. Everything needs to go through GP who will write referral for almost each specialties. Truth be told, I did not really know the difference, but I once had an ultrasound at FPH and I immediately fell in love with the atmosphere! It is a private hospital located inside a public hospital, like, the best public hospital there is, RWH. The sad thing is where we lived at that moment did not belong to RWH zone so we could not give birth there. I single-handedly decided we would go to FPH (my uterus my choice) and my GP had just the best team of obgyns in mind, WOGS.

So I got my referral for WOGS and early ultrasound from my GP, and she said, if all went well, that would be the last time I met with her (for this pregnancy!).

My First Ultrasound

Look at that little beansprout! Technically ultrasound this early is just to confirm that it is indeed a healthy pregnancy, not an ectopic or also to confirm whether there are multiple babies or just a single one. I thought I would cry when I heard his heartbeat, but I wasn’t, no idea why. I guess all of this just felt surreal a bit, for me.

What to do next?

I have booked my first appointment with my ob, finally! It also came with booking the hospital (FPH) so I had been in contact with them, and they sent me few forms to fill and sign. I think my journey with both WOGS and FPH will be on another post! Hehe. Somehow all of this feel so fast and slow at the same time. This is me writing this post of when I knew I was pregnant when I am 30 weeks pregnant now! Bonbon has been kicking a lot these past few days, by lot I mean a lot. Cannot believe we only have 10 weeks to come!!!!!!

How do I say this?

If you ask me to explain it, I won’t be able to do so because to be honest, I don’t understand it myself.

It’s the feeling you have 5 minutes after you drive away from home just to start thinking have you turned off gas before you leave, have you turned that hair straightener off, have you actually closed the door, and all of a sudden all you want to do is just drive back and double check everything even though you know, you did double check everything before you leave.

It’s the feeling when you are just so happy and content with your job in the morning, but all of a sudden you are struck by the thoughts maybe this is not right for me, maybe I actually mess up but they just do not care to tell me, why do I work here and you have to sleep away those thoughts because it usually comes to drafting a resignation email even though you basically make no mistake, at all.

It’s the feeling when you see your bestfriends are hanging out together and you know you can’t actually attend because you are zillion miles away from them but like, what if they start talking about me and just decide to throw me away from the circle because something unreasonable for me but totally makes sense for them?

It’s like when you constantly feel those above combined every day, every hour.

I wrote this post Dilan the series

Reading Dilan trilogy, I cried because I understand how it felt to lose someone because you loved him too much. I cried harder reading what he felt.

I always love wholeheartedly, it is either a blessing or a curse. I never dated someone I did not really love, thus I never had any fuck buddy or whatcamacalit because for me, feelings need to be involved. Yes, I am that emotional girl.

I could relate to some of Milea’s actions like forcing Dilan to spend the day with her because she was afraid, or going to the place where he hung out before the storm. There is one thing that I can’t just agree and I guess this is the peak point of their relationship, which is when Milea was not there when Dilan needed her the most during Akew’s death. I had my chance of reacting (when a man I was close with had his senior passed away because of school gang). Although we were not together yet at that moment, I guess if we were to were together (subjunctive mood-ception) I would have (had have? grrah this double entree is a bit confusing lol) cried with him because no matter what, he was broken and devastated. Milea’s action is understandable, but just is not desired, I guess.

Looking back, I have done things ‘in the name of love’ where if I see it now, it was probably a bit  too much.

However, I actually do not really feel sorry for acting that way. You can blame me or fight me or even unlove me, I won’t say sorry for being real.

Love itself is selfish, don’t you think? The desire of having someone being exclusive with you, the urge of owning (and being owned, I see you sub) by someone. These actions in-the-name-of-love are selfish. That is why there is a relationship where two parties need to have some sort of  mutual understanding and agreement for in-the-name-of-love actions.

If only Dilan was being honest with Milea, if only Dilan said that her actions were bothering him. 

Milea was brave enough to tell Dilan that she only wanted Dilan to be safe, thus her crazy behaviour seemed overprotective. I actually have no idea if she could change or was it really the way she was, but the thing is,

she was not given the chance to change, to adjust, to try. 

I think that is the saddest part.

That is why, maybe, maaaaaybe, Milea still thinks about Dilan from time to time.

My first relationship was full of immaturity and childish behaviour (not only me, dude, I know you know it too) but, we were given the chance to reconcile months after the break up and it did not turn out well. That was when I knew we clearly were not made for each other, and we are.

(Oh, what about my second relationship, you asked? We were (I was forced to, to be honest) given zillion chances to try to fix it, but you cannot repair a broken heart with only bandages I guess. There is no way in hell we are made for each other LOL I honestly do not care if I am being rude!)

However, after all, the books are situated in high school era, where we were young and dumb and foolish; times where we acted like we knew our future.

What makes it so special is the fact that it was that relationship that scars you but also defines you the most.

These book left a bittersweet taste for me. It got me reminiscing my old fling, my mistakes, my innocence. It was like a retrospective. It taught us that timing is such a bitch and communication is freaking vital.

Because the biggest broken heart usually let you know what should you look for in the greatest relationship you will ever had.





“The Gentle Sadness of Things”

Finite, a concept that is often forgotten although it applies to everything related to us human. An opened carton of your favourite milk, your red lipstick that always gives you enough confidence to conquer the day, that one doll you always slept with throughout your childhood, those will expire, eventually. Although some of them have more sentimental value than others, those are still just, you know, things. Stuffs. You can purchase the same kind again or have it framed and hanged in your wall for sentimental forsaken.

As a human, our days are numbered as well and it has been unspoken secret that we will die someday and leave everything and everyone behind. Sure, it is sad, but you will move on because you just cannot do anything about it anyway.

Then, what about time?

By time, I mean timeframe in relationship. Some relationships last longer than other, and if we are lucky, some relationships will last until forever. Some will just end, mostly because of ugly fights causing ugly break ups. I think the saddest part is when you just drift apart and all you can see when you look back are the bridges you have separately crossed and you don’t even know how to start fixing it. I think we are just too occupied with our own world that we don’t realize all of our relationships are finite.

Mono no Aware: or “the sadness or pathos of things”.  It refers to the bittersweet feeling of seeing things change, the act of watching time pass, as if from the outside looking in. It is, as Sei Shonagon said in the 10th century, “when one has stopped loving somebody, [and] one feels that he has become someone else, even though he is still the same person.” The diminutive pain that accompanies a flower when it withers, and the finite nature of everything.

People see the finite concept as a chance to not take anything for granted and to maximize the time that we have while it is still a thing. On the other hand, being finite is sometimes what makes it beautiful because we tend to appreciate things that are limited in time, in presence, in beings. What saddens us is sometimes, we do not really know when will it end. We go along feeling that we still have a lot of times while in fact, we can lose someone in just a blink of an eye.

You often see the saying ‘lover is temporary, bestfriend and family are forever’. You will also read about your spouse being your partner in life (and death, according to some beliefs). It is sometimes funny how we act like we know we are in this for life so there’s no way we will ever separate, but it just happens because even though we are not changing, things change. You can try put a bandage on the relationship, you can try to recite or renew the commitment, but what happens if someday you wake up and you just know you do not love that person anymore? What happens if the one you tell stories everyday, you just forget to talk to for a week? What happens if you know a person throughout your whole life suddenly become someone you do not even recognize?

These things happen more often than you might know.

I think the point of all this is to really be present – even in things and relationships that you are sure you would not be losing. Our days are numbered. The thing that I have been trying recently is to tell my mom and/or my bestfriend things first before I post it in social media – if at the end I still want to post it. How much more important is it to be really present — in the now — than to pour frivolous information from a screen through your eyeballs into your brain? 

I want to stop wondering what did I do wrong to cause losing a friend of mine everytime I see their pictures or their posts, instead I am being more active by asking another friend of mine if their posts reek of sadness. I need to stop dwelling on things that are over and start really being present – because who knows what might happen, right?


Surat untuk Fajar

Gelapmu sudah kunanti dari saat senja menyapa. eh, tunggu, itu dulu, gelapmu selalu kunanti sehingga aku akan cepat bertemu lagi dengan sang senja. sehingga waktu akan berputar lebih cepat. sehingga kami akan bertemu lebih cepat. sehingga beban rindu di hati tidak lagi mengikat.

Sekarang aku takut ketika kau datang, bersama udara dingin dan tenggelamnya matahari. semuanya akan selalu terasa lebih berat disaat penghujung hari. memori tentang semuanya akan selalu terulang. bagaimana senyum itu terukir, lalu akan terus berjalan ke bagaimana air mata itu jatuh.

Bagaimana semuanya menghilang dari genggaman, menghilang dari pandangan, lalu menghilang dari jangkauan.

Fajar, kau selalu memberikan sebuah arti. dulu aku menunggumu karna kau selalu datang bersama sebuah sapaan manis. lalu kau selalu datang dengan sebuah kata cinta. lalu kau selalu datang dengan ungkapan rindu. lalu kau selalu datang dengan deru motor di depan rumah. dan kau akan berakhir dengan deru yang sama dikala Senja. Meninggalkanku bermimpi indah untuk bertemu lagi dengan Fajar yang baru.

Sekarang kau datang dengan kecemasan, akankah semua berjalan baik-baik saja? ataukah tidak? akankah semua akan berlanjut, ataukah berhenti sampai disini?

Dan ternyata semua itu terhenti.

Tuhan selalu punya cara untuk menunjukkan bahwa hanya Ia yang Maha Menentukan, tak perduli seberapa besar manusia berusaha. Mubram dan Muallaq, dua hal yang memaksakan kepercayaanku untuk patuh.

Kita bisa berencana, namun pada akhirnya, semua keputusan bukan berada di tangan kita. Tuhan adalah sutradara, dan kita adalah astrada, dimana bisa saja kita yang nampak sibuk mondar mandir sana sini, namun sesungguhnya kita hanya mengikuti apa yang Sutradara perintahkan.

Maka, jangan bermimpi tentang kau bisa mengontrol hidupmu sendiri. Fajar akan selalu datang, namun akan selalu membawa aroma yang berbeda.

This post was originally written in October 2011, my biggest heartbreak.

Aku harap itu cukup

Aku berusaha mencari simbolisasi tentang keberadaanku disisimu.
Pada awalnya, aku ingin menjadi udara.
Udara yang selalu kamu hirup setiap saat, selalu membuatmu hidup, selalu ada untukmu walau kadang kamu lupakan. Meresap kedalam setiap keping darahmu, memberikan nyawa untukmu.
Namun aku tidak ingin jika aku tak ada, kamu mati. Aku ingin kamu tetap hidup bahkan setelah aku pergi, kepergian dalam bentuk apapun.
Namun tekankan, aku tidak akan pernah berniat untuk pergi.
Maka udara kucoret dari daftarku.
Aku ingin menjadi bola sepak.
Ya, bola bundar itu. Aku suka saat melihat kamu bermain bola, entah secara langsung maupun secara virtual. Aku suka melihat kamu melakukan hal kegemaranmu, aku suka melihat kamu bersemangat, aku suka melihat kamu bahagia. Aku ingin menjadi hal yang bisa membuat kamu bahagia.
Namun aku tidak ingin dioper oper, aku tidak ingin dibagi bagi, aku tidak ingin diperebutkan. Aku ingin ada buat kamu, namun sepertinya main bola sendirian itu kurang asik.
Aku suka menghabiskan waktu berdua denganmu, tapi aku juga suka saat kamu senang saat berkumpul dengan teman-temanmu.
Tidak boleh egois, maka bola sepak pun kulewati.
Kubayangkan menjadi musik. Aku ingin menjadi musik.
Ya, aku tahu kamu suka musik, aku juga. Kita berdua suka musik, dan musik selalu hadir di setiap obrolan. Entah itulipsync, sindiran, ledekan, atau ungkapan perasaan. Musik selalu dapat menemani di dalam setiap keadaan, hanya butuh playlist yang tepat.
Namun, musik itu terlalu luas. Sedangkan aku tidak bisa memilih spesifikasi musik untukmu, karna ada waktu dan situasi yang berbeda untuk tiap lagu. Lagi, musik dapat menjadi hal yang paling kubenci, karna dapat menyeret memori yang seharusnya sudah terkubur. Musik terlalu labil dan luas, tidak.
Karena, aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yang stabil untukmu.
Terfikir akan hal yang lain, namun selalu saja ada kekurangannya. Aku ingin menjadi sempurna buat kamu, namun kesempurnaan tidak pernah bisa disimbolkan, selain Tuhan tentunya. Sepertinya tidak ada hal yang dapat menggambarkan keinginan ini.
Lalu kuputuskan, aku ingin menjadi diriku sendiri. Aku, yang akan berusaha untuk menjadi apa yang kamu ingin, kamu butuh, kamu harap, namun tetap dalam konteks ‘aku’. Maaf jika aku tidak bisa menjadi kesempurnaan untuk kamu, maaf jika terkadang kamu kesal dan semacam ingin memasukkanku ke peti lalu dikirim ke Antartika, maaf jika aku gagal memenuhi ekspektasimu tentang pasangan ideal.
Aku tidak bisa menjanjikan apapun selain satu hal; Aku akan berusaha hingga aku kehilangan rasa kesanggupan.
Aku harap itu cukup.
This post was originally posted on my private blog at November 2010, gosh look how cheesy I was!

To Each His Own


This post is dedicated to you.

You, a boy who has to lie to his parents about why you don’t seem to have girlfriend all this time. Who has to smile awkwardly whenever your cousins set you up with women from their offices, college, any place they can think of. A girl who has to sit tight and look pretty when your mother begins the talk is it because of what dad did to mom making you prefer woman instead? a right treatment can cure you, baby, you just have to open up to the possibilities. I want a grandchild. 

You, whose parents are we do not have problems with other people who are LGBTQ+ until our child is one of them.

You, who are born and raised in a religious family but just do not find the salvation and same dedication towards your religion. The more they enforce you, the more you distance yourself because you understand, religion is not something you do because you are afraid of your mom punishing you because you don’t pray; religion is something you do because you trust and you believe. and it takes time to process everything. You, who envy people who seem to have stronger faith towards their religion while you still have some questions and thoughts about it because you think God has spoken but what we hear is His interpreter, and He has a lot of it. 

You, who often ask yourself is it wrong to feel what I feel? am I wrong for being real? am I wrong to feel this? am I wrong to actually have feelings?

You, who feel like this world is not your world. You, who feel lost sometimes – or most of the times. Who feel like you should not be doing what you do now, who hate your own job, college, school, you who hate your own face, your body, your skin. You, who hate your economic status. You, who just feel misplaced.

This post is dedicated to all of you who are happy and unhappy. To you who have life all figured out, and who hope you can just delete everything and start over. I just want to say that everyone has this kind of downtime. Some may have it longer than others, but even the richest person in the world don’t have it all. We won’t have life figured out as told by those self-help books, you know, because

We won’t have it all. Yes, there, I said it.

Because we are not meant to have it all. What we can do is try our best because effort won’t betray. We are not meant to have it all because we are created in pairs – we complete each other. That is why we have friends, spouse, family, even official help – because you are never alone if you just look in the right space.

However, before all of that, you know, in order to make people love you, you have to love yourself first, because I think that is the biggest love of all. Why not? You are the person who understand you the most, who know what can make you happy. Screw those fuckbois and ditch those bitches who mess with your feeling and make you feel like you are not worth to be loved – it is them, not you. Work and study hard so you can live by yourself and bid adieu to your family, but don’t forget to check up on them occasionally because most of the times, blood is thicker than water. Save enough money to move somewhere and start over, or retake your undergraduate study with different major – the one you actually like, the point is – starting from now, please prioritize yourself among everything and everyone else. 

If you love something, you’d do anything to let them live and happy, right? Let’s fall in love with ourselves first, the rest of the world can wait.