‘So when will you get married, Nara?’

naralea wedding

As I am typing this, my senior high school friend is marrying the girl from my junior high. My bestfriend, along with her husband, is attending her bestfriend’s wedding. My classmate is blasting her wedding invitation in my junior high class’ chat group.

Everyone else is getting married/planning to do so, and here I am contemplating about it.

I want to get married. I have been dreaming of my wedding since my childhood (and thanks, Pinterest, I am storing my fantasies) but seeing so many failures, even my own parents got divorced, starts to freak me out. I guess things would be better if I had a normal family and my current boyfriend never married before, but we are just not. My family has this weird expectation about marriage and my boyfriend was once married.

The reasons why my family keeps asking me to get married can be simplified into two. First is to stop all the sins we sinners have when we are ‘just’ dating, because dating is not a halal phase to my religion. From the other side of my family, it has become a sorta ‘tradition’ where the eldest is expected to take care of the younger, the burden my dad has to deal since he was young.

Then, my boyfriend’s divorce has set this high parameter for both him and his family, although he may not admit it himself. It is perfectly understandable, but how I wish I was those pure Javanese blood girls who praise their husbands like they are kings of the world. That would have made things easier, for both me & his family. Call me a fake but I just cannot act like myself without fearing they will scold me again with such rude words.

I really wish to get married, but the fear of it being ugly when it starts terrifies me deeper as the days go by. People say that as long as I love him, nothing else matters. I do love him but these things MATTER, because marriage is not only between two of us; it is more to marrying families. I once thought that after I was married, we would have had our world revolved around two of us, but my dear coworker fellow slapped me with ‘yeah I once hoped the same but truth be told, it was not like that. it cannot be like that.’

I dont know, perhaps it is only a childish wishful thinking, but I dont understand why. I cannot accept that if two people love each other and want to tie the knot, it has to be this complicated and messy and, sometimes self-inflicted, damages.

Convince me again why marriage is such a beautiful thing, please?

Life, in one suitcase

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Inspired by this article

If your life were packed into a suitcase and you were only allowed to bring 30kgs, what would you put in it?

That question got me wondering all day long. What should I bring? What should I leave behind?

If I were to move forward with my life, what should I keep?

I am never good at prioritizing my own stuffs, I still keep the gifts my juniors gave when I first moved to Jakarta, the sheets I used to sleep in when I was 10 years old, my dad’s shirt that I stole from my mom at high school, even the sketch book from my college time.

Should I leave it all behind for the sake of moving forward?

Life is indeed rough and cruel, the past always leaves marks and bruises, however, it does not last. That’s the problem, the reminder of our mistakes back then will be long gone before we even notice. Tell me again how can I prevent myself of repeating the same mistakes?

I romanticize memories.

When I see my dusty pink pajama, I remember stealing it when I slept in my bestfriend’s house because boys were ugly and we both needed something to feel good.

When I see the pile of Eragon’s tetralogy books, I remember reading it during Biology class because it was so boring I finished several chapters.

When I see my black boots, I remember when I had to work day and night to pay for my tuition.

I am scared of forgetting. I am scared if I lost myself in the future, I have no idea who I was before.

That is when I realize, the only baggage I should reorder is my emotional baggage.

The reason why I am scared of forgetting is because I do not trust myself. I repeat, I do not trust myself enough to be just okay when I lose it all. When my steps are not going as planned. When it is actually a mistake. How well can I handle it? Can I go back to the one I used to be? Am I brave enough just to depend on my rationale? Can I function when I have nothing else but my own self?

I guess, that is the beauty of life.

We remember things we want to forget, and we forget things we want to remember.