To my first love: it indeed makes sense now

naralea | first love

You know the feeling that you are so afraid you won’t make it out alive?

You keep questioning why does this have to happen, what wrong you have done to deserve this, why it has to be you of all people? You have been good, man, you have been great. You have given everything you can possibly give, you know that if it were you, you would not let go of you.

But you can’t. Because you are you, and they are they. Because life is not always fair. Because all good things for good people only happens in movie. You need the good thing right now because at least, you would not feel like a complete waste.

For me, that moment will be the first time I fell in love, and got my heart broken into pieces.

The first one is always the benchmark of everything else coming second.

I think, the portion of your first love never really goes away, because I do believe that each of our relationships has taken different portion of our heart. When it is over, a particular portion will be boxed away along with the memories and, also, a tiny amount of ourselves.

My first love lasted for an on-and-off two years, and it shaped me into the person I become right now. I always think the hottest love has the coldest end and sometimes, it is true. I was giving him portion I didn’t know I was capable to have. I started something for the first time, and I failed miserably for the first time as well.

During the break up phase, never once I did not pray to either undo everything or skip to the part where I could wake up and did not think about him. The recovery took a while. I was a mess. Some part of me that was believing in love wholeheartedly came crushing as I stood by and watched it turned to dust. Love was messy and cruel. Why did we love if it wasn’t forever? All of this did not make any sense. 

Although it took a while, but I recovered. I started loving again, and failed, and now, I am in a relationship where I can finally see why. It all makes senses now. In order to be whole, we all need to be damaged first. Some of us are indeed lucky to marry their first loves, but most of all, we have to go through the coldest break up, the cruelest broken heart, and the hardest nights.

For that, I thank you.

I guess I never had a chance to thank you, even though you are most likely confused what for. It is me, it is my personal being that I want to thank you for.

Thank you for being my first. Thank you for teaching that love is not made for eternity. Thank you for showing that no matter how hard we try, if it does not meant to be, it won’t. Thank you for preparing me for the next journey. For the next broken heart. For the next break up. It may or may not be better than our first, but we kind of reassure ourselves that we have been through this kind of thing before and we survived. We will survive again. 

Right now, I am indeed still wearing my heart on my sleeve, but I have faith in me that I can go through with anything because I have been there before. If we *knocking on woods* were to experience *knocking woods again* stuffs like that again, we will be crumbled. We will be a mess. But we will make it, because we. have. always. been.