Thank you, 2016.

naralea

Thank you for the chances, 2016.

You have given me a lot of chances for me to be better. To improve.

Looking back, I don’t even know who I was in the beginning of the year. And now look where I am. I am stronger than I ever was before. I stand for my own self. I begin an endless relationship in 2016 – the self-love that arrives and shines brightly. Oh baby, I could build a castle from the stones they threw at me. 

Now I know that in order to be accepted, I first have to accept myself. I begin to swipe my doubts and be okay with my flaws. I know what I can do, what I can’t do, and what I have to do.

 

Thank you for the courage, 2016.

Some things happened within you that require a bunch of guts for me to take, but I did. I take a leap of faith and I am finally here. Thank you for reminding me that the paths are already opened, I just have to cross the bridges.

My guts outshine my fear of failures, and boy, I could not be more right. I finally feel like I know what I want in life, and this is the right track for me to achieve it.

 

Thank you for the lesson, 2016.

You teach me that the most excruciating pain of this year is to lose something I did not even know I had. I learn the hard way to continue with what I have on my plate right now because sadness demands a lot of attention, but time won’t stop for anything. 

With my heart broken and faith shattered, I still need to wipe my tears and stand up strong because I have other responsibilities for other people whom I won’t take for granted.

 

Thank you for everything, 2016.

In you I get to experience a lot of thing. Sadness, break up, failure, betrayal, and promotion, success, acceptance, also – marriage. Wrong choices, brutal losts, and misplaced trusts won’t affect the feeling that 2016 has been my greatest year up until now. I sincerely thank you, dear me-circa-2016, to be sane enough throughout the year because trust me, it is worth it in the end.

 

Dear 2017,

I cannot wait to see what’s in your agenda for me.

 

 

You promised destiny, but somehow you cannot stand the distance

naralea

This is how it feels knowing the expired date is close behind. I cannot ask you to promise that things will be just fine, because I know it wont. Things never work out for me, and I just found out that you are not an exception.

I wish I had an exception.

I always screw up, like, in the best way possible. Goodbye is all I have ever known. When I met you, I wish that you were an exception, because I felt like I deserve an exception, and it now kills me slowly knowing you are not.

I know we really do not have a fucking clue about the future, and we shall not act like we have one, but that does not mean we cannot predict it. We will end up going our own ways, because that is how it works with me. I never once have a really happy ending, and I now give up wishing for one. Because when I finally got my heart to love again, to trust again, to hope again, it ends in tears.

Some of me wants to end it right now and wears the dignity of being the one who leaves, but the other part of me is afraid to take the risk of being the one who is broken. Because I always am.

I really want to stop loving. I will, someday. Just not today. I promise myself to stop loving someone because nothing good ever comes out of it.

This original post was written and published on my personal blog in March 2014.

Hey baby

there is so much I want to say to you

like your question about what is it about me who is so feisty, so full of opinions, so straightforward, can go mute when confrontation approaches?
what is it about me who can be so brave on words under real life but so scared of talking to you face to face?
what is it with me who, as you call it, runaway when things are not comforting for me?

because confrontation makes my skin crawls, and people are always going to fucking leave.

I avoid saying anything that will put a riff between us because you can leave and it scares me so much, it is the most terrifying thing I have ever learned. here it goes: my own dad, the first and only man I was truly needed left when I was not done needing him, it is a fair game for you to decide to leave me.
to decide I am not worth it.

honestly, I am so afraid that someday, you’ll realize that I have a major severe abandonment issue. and then you will start to look up to my family to try to find the cause of why am I so messed up (like your mother did) and then you will realize that I am a real mess starting from a kid, and likely there is no way to change that, you will wonder if you still want to go the distance with me in the future, and you will start to think that you may be wasting your time from July 2014, and then you will leave, because they all do, because people are mean and cruel, because deep down I know that there is something off with me from the very first time, and I also know that nobody stays, and I will end up alone.

I do not realize that the issue of my dad & family has been affecting me more than I thought. at the moment, you are sleeping beside me and I wonder how much longer will you be loving me before you left. because despite your (and your mom’s) flaws, you are the best thing that happens to me up until now. but I know, you deserve better than just me, a childish, spoiled, cry-baby, glutton girl that is actually a wreck.

you deserve a mature woman with no issue and a normal family. me? I know I am childish, I know I attach too much to you, I just hope someday you will find the reason why I attach myself too much to you: because I have nobody else whom I can count in my life. when my dad left and my mom screwed up, I have been detaching myself from so-called parents. when you walk into my life, I attach too much.

you know? after I post this blog, I will curl into your arm and hug you so tight trying to savor the moment.

I love you.

This original post was written and published on my personal blog in January 2015.