Still my favourite muse

naralea

You know, whenever I try to write something sad, I am reminiscing the moments when you broke my heart and threw it on the floor. I don’t know why; I think no one ever fucked me up like you. It has always been you.

I am feeling like giving you a trophy for ‘the biggest heartbreak – still’

Still. Even after all these years.

I think a part of our memories never goes away – it sits in the dark corner of our hearts, waiting for the right moment to suddenly appear (or by request – like I always did when I wanted something to write) and drown me into the phase where I could not breathe, nor open my eyes, because it really hurts, still, even after all these years.

People say who gives a fuck about their first loves and everyone should cherish the second love because it makes you believe in love again. The thing is, nothing compares your first, and usually biggest, heartbreak. That feeling when someone stepped on your perfect depiction of love and left you feeling betrayed by the concept of forever. Why do people love when it is going to end anyway?

I was a naive girl, moving out to the city, carrying your love only to watch you took back everything that was supposed to be my ultimate support system. Until now, I cannot help but wondering was it also hurt for you as well? Did you miss me like I missed you in every breath I took? Did you cry yourself to sleep like I did? Did you go to class with swollen eyes and lifeless body? Did you stare at your phone, wishing you could call me just to know what was I doing? Did you do things I did?

Did you know that I had many sleepless nights and I practically begged my friends to sleep over because I was too scared of being alone?

I guess you did not.

Those pains were too real to vanish without leaving scars, and I can honestly say it still haunts. It may not hurt anymore, but the memories are latched onto me and I cannot seem to breathe everytime it appears.

That is why you’d make such a good muse.

Well I guess, thank you is in order. And, also, fuck you.

 

Nikah Kapanpun – None of Your Goddamn Biz, People.

naralea wedding

Belakangan gue sering banget ngeliat pembahasan soal nikah. Nikah muda, nikah telat, nikah ketuaan, kebelet nikah, bahkan fenomena ga nikah-nikah atau memutuskan untuk ga pernah nikah sekalipun. Kayanya semua berawal dari anak salah satu uztad terkenal yang menikah muda, dan #NetizenBerkomentar banyak karena yang bersangkutan sendiri banyak raise statement-statement mengundang diskusi seperti ‘daripada dosa, mending nikah’. Gue gamau munafik, gue juga membalas pertanyaan tentang dia di ask.fm tapi lebih ke arah nikah muda-nya dan statement dia sendiri, (come on, as if kita ngga sepunya akal sehat itu sampe ga bisa ngontrol nafsu kita sendiri?) I don’t really give a s about him. It is his life, his decision. Dari situ, mulai deh banyak postingan dari akun-akun content marketplace yang highlight nikah muda untuk menghindari dosa.

Lalu banyak kasus-kasus lain bertebaran. Dua yang gue inget banget itu adalah (1) kasus cewek yang ninggalin pacarnya demi nikah sama orang lain yang emang udah siap nikahin & literally ngajak dia nikah. Well, to be fair, dia bilang kalo objektif dia emang nikah muda (ga bilang sama siapanya sih yang penting nikah?). Yang nomer (2) adalah artis senior yang sudah masuk usia senja dan memutuskan untuk menikah dengan budayawan Indonesia. Banyak yang nyinyir gatel banget sih udah tua masih aja ngebet nikah.

Dari semua, yang paling mengganggu gue adalah kehadiran para SJW-SJW yang mulai ngebash fenomena nikah muda as an achievement. I am not saying that they are wrong, but I don’t see the point of bashing someone else’s point of view because of that. Gue setuju sama pendapat mereka kalo everybody has different timing, tapi itu juga berlaku buat semuanya loh, jangan biased karena merasa diattack dengan banyaknya konten soal ajakan nikah muda? Kenapa sih diurusin banget? Terlebih, banyak konten yang bisa diartikan dengan ‘gue belom mau nikah karena gue masih ngejar karir dan/atau pendidikan’ yaudah, we all appreciate your voices and thoughts, but that doesn’t mean lo berhak being a bitch ke orang seumuran atau di bawah lo yang nikah muda. Hey, doesnt mean to brag but I got married young and a. I am now a senior manager and b. I got accepted in #1 Aus univ for my master. Kalo lo emang ngerti statement everybody has different timing, ya really mean it dong. Jangan cuma pake itu kalo lo butuh defense.

What I am trying to say is orang bisa nikah kapanpun dimanapun sama siapapun dan selama lo ga bayarin nikahnya dia, your opinion is not needed. Sure, semua orang bebas beropini, semua orang bebas mengutarakan opininya, tapi pikir lagi deh buat apa sih sampe ofensif? Jangan mengeneralisir suatu tindakan cuma karena lo ga suka sama tindakan itu. Anak belom lulus SMA mau nikah? Biarin aje. Nenek-nenek mau nikah lagi? Yaudah sih orang butuh teman, terlebih di masa tua. Dia gamau nikah? His/her life.

Gue sering nyeletuk ‘hhh aku kecepetan nih nikah aku mau nikmatin masa muda dulu’ yang terus dibales Rey ‘yaelah kamu masa balita aja belom lulus’ cuma gue tidak menyesali keputusan gue nikah di umur 24. Gue nikah karena gue sayang, cinta, yakin, dan percaya sama Rey. I hope you find someone who can convince you of the thought ‘forever and ever’, like I did. Semua orang punya waktu sendiri-sendiri. Mine started last December.