Hey baby

there is so much I want to say to you

like your question about what is it about me who is so feisty, so full of opinions, so straightforward, can go mute when confrontation approaches?
what is it about me who can be so brave on words under real life but so scared of talking to you face to face?
what is it with me who, as you call it, runaway when things are not comforting for me?

because confrontation makes my skin crawls, and people are always going to fucking leave.

I avoid saying anything that will put a riff between us because you can leave and it scares me so much, it is the most terrifying thing I have ever learned. here it goes: my own dad, the first and only man I was truly needed left when I was not done needing him, it is a fair game for you to decide to leave me.
to decide I am not worth it.

honestly, I am so afraid that someday, you’ll realize that I have a major severe abandonment issue. and then you will start to look up to my family to try to find the cause of why am I so messed up (like your mother did) and then you will realize that I am a real mess starting from a kid, and likely there is no way to change that, you will wonder if you still want to go the distance with me in the future, and you will start to think that you may be wasting your time from July 2014, and then you will leave, because they all do, because people are mean and cruel, because deep down I know that there is something off with me from the very first time, and I also know that nobody stays, and I will end up alone.

I do not realize that the issue of my dad & family has been affecting me more than I thought. at the moment, you are sleeping beside me and I wonder how much longer will you be loving me before you left. because despite your (and your mom’s) flaws, you are the best thing that happens to me up until now. but I know, you deserve better than just me, a childish, spoiled, cry-baby, glutton girl that is actually a wreck.

you deserve a mature woman with no issue and a normal family. me? I know I am childish, I know I attach too much to you, I just hope someday you will find the reason why I attach myself too much to you: because I have nobody else whom I can count in my life. when my dad left and my mom screwed up, I have been detaching myself from so-called parents. when you walk into my life, I attach too much.

you know? after I post this blog, I will curl into your arm and hug you so tight trying to savor the moment.

I love you.

This original post was written and published on my personal blog in January 2015.


Why Marketing Automation is Important


Have you ever heard of Marketing Automation without really knowing what is it about?

Well, in this advanced digital era, people are shifting from the traditional marketing towards the machine – tools, channels, e-data, etc. Marketing Automation is a process of leading your leads to the buying process with the right content for the right audience in the right time.

Marketing Automation usually stands alone as its own tool or exists as a built-in feature in CMS (I am usually implementing it with Kentico EMS – recommended!) that helps the marketers prioritize and execute the marketing task in a more effective way. The question is – do we need it?

Few good reasons why

  • We won’t waste time on manually update the contact sheet after we follow up, which we have to store manually also lol this is so old school #vintage
  • We won’t be perceived as disturbing to our customers because we do not blast the same thing to the mass – we hand-pick the content and deliver it as a nice, personalized package to the right audience, because we too feel disturbed right, e.g me when I see Golf promo arrived in my Inbox, wtf?
  • We won’t be wasting time and money marketing to someone who may not be interested in what our sharing, because you know content development is really time-consuming

There goes the second question, what does Marketing Automation look like?

What Is It Really About

To understand what Marketing Automation is, let’s see a traditional marketing example below:

Step 1: You send an email invitation to your activation event

Step 2: You send a thank you note to all the people who have RSVP’ed

Step 3: A few days later, you send a follow up email to the list of people who have confirmed, explaining the event and give a quick summary

Step 4: After the event is finished, you send the recorded material to all people who both attend and don’t attend to your event and leave an email and call number should they be interested in your product.

These steps are what traditional marketing is. There is no sense of personalized invitation because audiences are smart enough to know that those are email blast. In Marketing Automation, you can do things as follow:

Step 1: You differentiate your customers based on their interests to select those who may be interested with the event

Step 2: You send a personalized email to those lead

Step 3: You send emails a few days later for people who already rsvp, who have opened the email back and forth without responding to the invitation, who have rejected the invitation, and who have not yet opened the email. Each action defines the kind of content that you should send.

Step 4: You send a kind reminder to those who book, and you also send an email with different offer who ignore the event but showing different interest in the product.

With Marketing Automation, targeting the right audience is simpler and it turns out to be more effective. Companies that use marketing automation qualify 53% more leads, while the 65% of companies that don’t have a defined lead nurturing process or toolset in place lose a shocking 79% of leads (source: League Digital). First-hand experience, Marketing Automation makes it easy for us to plan, implement, and track the process of achieving goals in terms of marketing and sales. It is easier as well to automate experience in website, such as providing a whole journey for people who come from Google search based on a particular keyword or welcoming people accessing the website from a particular city with targeted promo for that city only. Let’s maximize our digital asset with personalized experience using Marketing Automation! 😉

This is how it feels to lose something that wasnt even here to begin with

I got my hopes up.

I knew there was an equal chance for me to either have one or lose one. I, as a realistic, had no idea what to wish for, but the problem was I knew what I wished for. And I got my hopes up.

And as we all know, hope is a dangerous thing.

I still remembered the day where I first heard the news. At that moment, it all seemed vague and was hard to swallow. I began to think of the possibilities and the more I did, the more it seemed to be wonderful. The pros clearly outweighed the cons. I could already image what would be of me in the next year, in the next five years, and in the next forever. I fell in love with the imagination without keeping one of my feet into the reality.

And Monday came. It started with a rough morning and afterwards, things were moving in a slower speed, making it seemed like life wanted me to suffer longer. And I did. I cried all afternoon, and just this early morning, I woke up in the dawn crying my eyes out without even remembering what dream I had that brought me to this emotional turbulence.

How I wished things were different if only I had known.

If only. The two words kept resonating in my head like a broken stereo. Of all things I did recklessly, this unplanned silly thing was the worst, I mean, IS the worst. I did not know why I was using past tense in this writing because it still haunts me. it still brings the worst. it still aches. 



To my first love: it indeed makes sense now

naralea | first love

You know the feeling that you are so afraid you won’t make it out alive?

You keep questioning why does this have to happen, what wrong you have done to deserve this, why it has to be you of all people? You have been good, man, you have been great. You have given everything you can possibly give, you know that if it were you, you would not let go of you.

But you can’t. Because you are you, and they are they. Because life is not always fair. Because all good things for good people only happens in movie. You need the good thing right now because at least, you would not feel like a complete waste.

For me, that moment will be the first time I fell in love, and got my heart broken into pieces.

The first one is always the benchmark of everything else coming second.

I think, the portion of your first love never really goes away, because I do believe that each of our relationships has taken different portion of our heart. When it is over, a particular portion will be boxed away along with the memories and, also, a tiny amount of ourselves.

My first love lasted for an on-and-off two years, and it shaped me into the person I become right now. I always think the hottest love has the coldest end and sometimes, it is true. I was giving him portion I didn’t know I was capable to have. I started something for the first time, and I failed miserably for the first time as well.

During the break up phase, never once I did not pray to either undo everything or skip to the part where I could wake up and did not think about him. The recovery took a while. I was a mess. Some part of me that was believing in love wholeheartedly came crushing as I stood by and watched it turned to dust. Love was messy and cruel. Why did we love if it wasn’t forever? All of this did not make any sense. 

Although it took a while, but I recovered. I started loving again, and failed, and now, I am in a relationship where I can finally see why. It all makes senses now. In order to be whole, we all need to be damaged first. Some of us are indeed lucky to marry their first loves, but most of all, we have to go through the coldest break up, the cruelest broken heart, and the hardest nights.

For that, I thank you.

I guess I never had a chance to thank you, even though you are most likely confused what for. It is me, it is my personal being that I want to thank you for.

Thank you for being my first. Thank you for teaching that love is not made for eternity. Thank you for showing that no matter how hard we try, if it does not meant to be, it won’t. Thank you for preparing me for the next journey. For the next broken heart. For the next break up. It may or may not be better than our first, but we kind of reassure ourselves that we have been through this kind of thing before and we survived. We will survive again. 

Right now, I am indeed still wearing my heart on my sleeve, but I have faith in me that I can go through with anything because I have been there before. If we *knocking on woods* were to experience *knocking woods again* stuffs like that again, we will be crumbled. We will be a mess. But we will make it, because we. have. always. been.

Every fire is a lesson learned

You know, the older you get, the more you get to know yourself. Well, I finally get a better view about myself. At least. Haha. I mean, I made so many mistakes for the sake of growing up. Some of those mistakes, I cannot actually forget. It is always there to remind you how douchebag you are, and it never really wears off. You just get to a point where your mistakes wont wear you off. You are not defined by your mistakes; you are defined by what you overcome.

Every fire is a lesson learned.

I do not always remember what other people have done me wrong, but when I do, I never forget how those feel. I am a sucker at forgiving someone without being a bitch about it. Actually, the more I am mad, the more I get cold. I mean, like permanent cold. I’d rather be cold and cynical than have to explode and cuss and mock and yell and whatevs. I just dont think it worths. All I do is putting it down to my memories and making sure I remember that just in case I have to use that as my defense or I ever think about dealing with that person again. I used to think its a good idea until….. I read about repressed emotion in defense mechanism at psychoanalysis (God, are you Sigmund Freud?)

I don’t care if people say Sigmund Freud is crazy. I adore him. So basically, defense mechanisms are unconscious coping mechanisms that reduce anxiety generated by threats from unacceptable impulses.

The big idea of Psychoanalysis is the ego — the “I” — sits at the center of some pretty powerful forces: reality; society, as represented by the superego; biology, as represented by the id.
When these make conflicting demands upon the poor ego, it is understandable if we feel threatened, feel overwhelmed, feel as if it were about to collapse under the weight of it all.  This feeling is called anxiety, and it serves as a signal to the ego that its survival, and with it the survival of the whole organism, is in jeopardy. In order to deal with conflict and problems in life, Freud stated that the ego employs a range of defense mechanisms.  Defense mechanisms operate at an unconscious level and help ward off unpleasant feelings (i.e. anxiety) or make good things feel better for the individual. Kind of defense mechanism are:

Repression is an unconscious mechanism employed by the ego to keep disturbing or threatening thoughts from becoming conscious. Thoughts that are often repressed are those that would result in feelings of guilt from the superego. This is not a very successful defense in the long term since it involves forcing disturbing wishes, ideas or memories into the unconscious, where, although hidden, they will create anxiety 

Wow. I mean, wow yea that makes sense, especially the issues I have to deal with my family. I never really burst out into anger while I just try to repress the emotion because it hurts only talking about it. I dislike explaining what I truly feel so I just go on like nothing ever happens. Is this really a symptom of a mental illness in Psychology?

But I still do not want to deal with it..

I Want A Friday Kind Of Love



I want a Friday kind of love. The excitement you have after a rough week to finally meet weekend. A getaway. A break. When you pack your things, look at the window, and smile, knowing you are going home soon. The traffic will be bad, the streets are always crowded, but you don’t care because the shoulder you have been waiting to lean on is waiting for you.

A Friday kind of love is the feeling when you just don’t care about the unfinished reports, the never ending feedbacks from clients that do not seem to understand the limitation you have constantly mentioned, and the office drama where you have to deal with those who do anything just to strengthen their presences. It will be dealt later, you say. It can wait. You deserve the break.

I know that life is not always going like we plan it to. We study at school, we graduate college, and we try to find a job that is feeding our passions. We always have that dream of our future, I do too. I want my future to be bright and beautiful. I have been told that if I work hard, I can actually achieve it, but no one told me how to be okay when things start to fall apart. No one told me what are the signs if I am actually walking the right path, nor how to start over when it actually isn’t. I am afraid of taking chances, because I cannot afford to actually fail. I don’t have the luxury of failing because my safety net has been gone since I was a little kid. But, you. You give me my safety net. You are my safety net. The kind of safety net that is not actually cleaning up my mess, but the kind to reassure that it is okay, I have given my best, I have tried, I just have to try somewhere else.  It is okay to fail, I am strong enough to start over.

Friday is the day I get to spend with you at night without worrying to wake up early on the next day. We can talk about our week because on the usual day, we sometimes forget the little detail. You can play XBox and I can watch movies and it will all be okay, because tomorrow I get to spend the whole day with you. And the day after, as well.

A Friday kind of love is the one we come home to. The one we can escape the reality with, without actually forgetting about it. The one that encourages us to be okay throughout the day. And the week. And the month. And the year. And, hopefully, forever.


Inspired by Monday and Tuesday

‘So when will you get married, Nara?’

naralea wedding

As I am typing this, my senior high school friend is marrying the girl from my junior high. My bestfriend, along with her husband, is attending her bestfriend’s wedding. My classmate is blasting her wedding invitation in my junior high class’ chat group.

Everyone else is getting married/planning to do so, and here I am contemplating about it.

I want to get married. I have been dreaming of my wedding since my childhood (and thanks, Pinterest, I am storing my fantasies) but seeing so many failures, even my own parents got divorced, starts to freak me out. I guess things would be better if I had a normal family and my current boyfriend never married before, but we are just not. My family has this weird expectation about marriage and my boyfriend was once married.

The reasons why my family keeps asking me to get married can be simplified into two. First is to stop all the sins we sinners have when we are ‘just’ dating, because dating is not a halal phase to my religion. From the other side of my family, it has become a sorta ‘tradition’ where the eldest is expected to take care of the younger, the burden my dad has to deal since he was young.

Then, my boyfriend’s divorce has set this high parameter for both him and his family, although he may not admit it himself. It is perfectly understandable, but how I wish I was those pure Javanese blood girls who praise their husbands like they are kings of the world. That would have made things easier, for both me & his family. Call me a fake but I just cannot act like myself without fearing they will scold me again with such rude words.

I really wish to get married, but the fear of it being ugly when it starts terrifies me deeper as the days go by. People say that as long as I love him, nothing else matters. I do love him but these things MATTER, because marriage is not only between two of us; it is more to marrying families. I once thought that after I was married, we would have had our world revolved around two of us, but my dear coworker fellow slapped me with ‘yeah I once hoped the same but truth be told, it was not like that. it cannot be like that.’

I dont know, perhaps it is only a childish wishful thinking, but I dont understand why. I cannot accept that if two people love each other and want to tie the knot, it has to be this complicated and messy and, sometimes self-inflicted, damages.

Convince me again why marriage is such a beautiful thing, please?

Life, in one suitcase


Inspired by this article

If your life were packed into a suitcase and you were only allowed to bring 30kgs, what would you put in it?

That question got me wondering all day long. What should I bring? What should I leave behind?

If I were to move forward with my life, what should I keep?

I am never good at prioritizing my own stuffs, I still keep the gifts my juniors gave when I first moved to Jakarta, the sheets I used to sleep in when I was 10 years old, my dad’s shirt that I stole from my mom at high school, even the sketch book from my college time.

Should I leave it all behind for the sake of moving forward?

Life is indeed rough and cruel, the past always leaves marks and bruises, however, it does not last. That’s the problem, the reminder of our mistakes back then will be long gone before we even notice. Tell me again how can I prevent myself of repeating the same mistakes?

I romanticize memories.

When I see my dusty pink pajama, I remember stealing it when I slept in my bestfriend’s house because boys were ugly and we both needed something to feel good.

When I see the pile of Eragon’s tetralogy books, I remember reading it during Biology class because it was so boring I finished several chapters.

When I see my black boots, I remember when I had to work day and night to pay for my tuition.

I am scared of forgetting. I am scared if I lost myself in the future, I have no idea who I was before.

That is when I realize, the only baggage I should reorder is my emotional baggage.

The reason why I am scared of forgetting is because I do not trust myself. I repeat, I do not trust myself enough to be just okay when I lose it all. When my steps are not going as planned. When it is actually a mistake. How well can I handle it? Can I go back to the one I used to be? Am I brave enough just to depend on my rationale? Can I function when I have nothing else but my own self?

I guess, that is the beauty of life.

We remember things we want to forget, and we forget things we want to remember.

Tentang Diperjuangkan

Kamu semua tahu, dan mungkin sering membaca, tentang perasaan orang yang ditinggalkan. Orang-orang yang berjuang namun tetap ditinggalkan. Kali ini, aku akan menulis tentang sisi lain dari diperjuangkan. Dulu, aku pernah menjadi orang yang berjuang namun tetap ditinggalkan. Saat itu aku merasa sangat tidak adil; bagaimana bisa ia dengan gampangnya pergi? Kenapa dia berhenti mencoba dan memutuskan untuk mencari yang baru? Apakah keadaan kita sudah seburuk itu?
Jawabannya baru kuketahui sekarang: iya.

Kadang, aku masih suka memikirkan tentang rasa sakit hati ditinggalkan dulu, dengan perasaan yang lebih netral. Aku pun akhirnya melihat-memang kita sudah tidak bisa dipaksakan. Dia hanya melihatnya lebih dulu, dan menghindari konflik yang tidak berkesudahan. Orang yang masih tidak bisa melihat titik disfungsi dari sebuah hubungan, mereka biasanya yang masih memperjuangkan. Seperti aku, dulu.
Kadang, menjadi orang yang terus diperjuangkan itu tidak enak. Menjadi orang yang berjuang justru lebih enak. Ia memiliki tujuan dan keinginan yang jelas: melanjutkan hubungan. Orang yang diperjuangkan itu juga terkadang tidak tahu apa yang sebenarnya dia inginkan. Yang dia tahu hanya keadaan seperti ini sudah tidak bisa lagi dipertahankan.

Kadang mereka yang berjuang bilang enak ya kalian tinggal pergi gitu aja, namun mereka yang diperjuangkan juga ingin berteriak enak ya kalian, menyiksa batin kami sampai titik dimana kami tidak tahu lagi apa yang sedang kami lakukan, sampai kami akhirnya memutuskan untuk pergi, namun kalian terus memblokir jalan kami dengan ucapan maaf dan tangisan penyesalan. Kalian pikir memutuskan untuk pergi itu gampang? Memutuskan untuk berhenti berjuang itu mudah? Ini bukan masalah rasa sayang, bukan. Entah kalian tahu atau tidak, tapi ada loh rasa sakit yang bahkan rasa sayang pun tidak lagi cukup mengakomodir.

Kalian pikir memaafkan kalian lalu memulai lagi semuanya itu mudah? Asal tahu saja, orang yang diperjuangkan sesungguhnya merasa tolol setelah menarik lagi keputusan untuk mengakhiri semuanya. Sungguh rasanya tolol, karena mereka, yang diperjuangkan, sudah tahu kalau keadaan tidak akan pernah bisa berubah. Setidaknya, tidak semudah itu. They learn the hard way.

Perasaan orang yang diperjuangkan pun tidak akan pernah utuh, karena orang yang berjuang sebagian besar tidak benar-benar berjuang. Mereka hanya minta maaf, menyesal, namun akan ada saatnya mereka mengulangi kesalahan yang sama. Semua ini terasa seperti bermain lego dengan satu bagian yang hilang, atau tidak saling berhubungan. Mau bagaimanapun, tidak akan bisa lengkap. Namun saat kita memutuskan untuk berhenti bermain, mereka yang berjuang akan merusak semua bangunannya dan memaksa untuk membangun lagi dari awal. Padahal mereka juga tahu ada sesuatu yang hilang. Mereka hanya tidak mau, atau belum, menyadarinya.


I dream of another you, the one who would never leave me alone to pick up the scattered pieces from the wreckage of a broken heart. The one who would choose his words carefully because he knows, I always remember. I never forget, even when he does. The one who would keep his promises, and when he could not, he would mend everything.

I dream of another you, the one who would never disrespect me. The one who would never make me feel insecure and ugly. The one who would never even think about another girl when he is with me. The one who understands that the worst mistake a man could ever make is letting her woman feel unworthy.

I dream of another you, the one who would never hurt me. Wait, he would hurt me eventually, but when he does, he would realize how it distances us, and he would try anything to be back close.

I dream of another you, the one who would never make me change into another person. The one who would still love me despite my flaws AND my plus. The one who would move mountain if he has to. The one who, at least, would leave anything he is doing just to come see me if I really need him the utmost.

I dream of another you, the one who would never ruin me.