kenapa kamu lagi lagi dan lagi menghancurkan hati saya? kamu pikir hati saya ini apa? lego yang bisa kamu bangun dan hancurkan berkalikali? kamu pikir saya ini apa? malaikat yang akan memaafkan semua kesalahan yang berkali kali kamu ulang?
saya bukan apapun yang ada di pikiran kamu. saya memang tidak gampang pecah, namun sekali pecah, akan selalu ada bekasnya.
kamu pikir memaafkan itu gampang? kamu pikir mengumpulkan dan menyatukan semua kepingan itu mudah?
saya berdarah sampai kering saat melakukan itu semua,
tanya para pecahan itu, akan terlihat bercak merah hasil kamu sayat dan robek berkali-kali.
itu hati saya.
yang kamu bilang kamu jaga.
yang kamu bilang tidak akan kamu hancurkan.
namun nyatanya? kamu menggenggam hati saya terlalu erat sampai saya tidak bisa bernafas, lalu kamu renggangkan ketika saya hampir mati, hanya untuk meremukkannya lagi.
Someone asked me what I felt during my last break up.
Ugh. It is going to get ugly.
Honestly we were done way before I flipped out last night. But what I felt when I broke up, I still remembered. Coming out of a 2 years of serious relationship wasnt easy. So let me try to write it down.
Before the break up, I was entering the phase “all the love was still there I just did not know what to do with it now”. Sometimes, you woke up and you just knew that you could not do this anymore. However, I made a pact that I would never ask for a break-up. I still honored it tho.
Sadly, no matter how hard I (we) tried, we still entered the phase “sometimes love just aint enough”. When we met directly, we were both happy. When we were not seeing each other, all I (or we, I dunno) felt was this numbness which started to growl and diverse throughout your mind and soul. We had differences in our way of thinking, and no matter how hard we tried to walk in between we just could not seem to shake it off. And then it got into his mind, what I had promised I would not ask him to. We had to break up.
And then it got into the phase “nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard” because we knew we loved each other but we just could not do this anymore. Just because it was the right thing to do does not mean it did not hurt like hell. I lost my half of life for these past 2 years. I lost the one who popped first everytime I woke up and right before I went to bed. It almost felt like I lost my bestfriend, because my world revolved around him, literally. It was hard. I found it hard to just breathe everytime I woke up and realized I would not see those texts saying ‘I love you’. It was hard going home alone without someone picking you up or waiting for you to get home safe and sound. It was hard to fall asleep without someone comforting you by phone after a long tiring day.
It was hard. So hard. Like really hard.
Eventually, things got better, like it always is. Coming out of a 2 years of serious relationship is indeed hard, but it also makes you discover yourself again. I was always so devoted to my partner until it got to a point where we both changed ourselves for each other. Breaking up gives you a chance to know yourself again. It unlocks new door that leads to a new path. After all, it is just another phase in life I have to keep on living.