Inspired by this article
If your life were packed into a suitcase and you were only allowed to bring 30kgs, what would you put in it?
That question got me wondering all day long. What should I bring? What should I leave behind?
If I were to move forward with my life, what should I keep?
I am never good at prioritizing my own stuffs, I still keep the gifts my juniors gave when I first moved to Jakarta, the sheets I used to sleep in when I was 10 years old, my dad’s shirt that I stole from my mom at high school, even the sketch book from my college time.
Should I leave it all behind for the sake of moving forward?
Life is indeed rough and cruel, the past always leaves marks and bruises, however, it does not last. That’s the problem, the reminder of our mistakes back then will be long gone before we even notice. Tell me again how can I prevent myself of repeating the same mistakes?
I romanticize memories.
When I see my dusty pink pajama, I remember stealing it when I slept in my bestfriend’s house because boys were ugly and we both needed something to feel good.
When I see the pile of Eragon’s tetralogy books, I remember reading it during Biology class because it was so boring I finished several chapters.
When I see my black boots, I remember when I had to work day and night to pay for my tuition.
I am scared of forgetting. I am scared if I lost myself in the future, I have no idea who I was before.
That is when I realize, the only baggage I should reorder is my emotional baggage.
The reason why I am scared of forgetting is because I do not trust myself. I repeat, I do not trust myself enough to be just okay when I lose it all. When my steps are not going as planned. When it is actually a mistake. How well can I handle it? Can I go back to the one I used to be? Am I brave enough just to depend on my rationale? Can I function when I have nothing else but my own self?
I guess, that is the beauty of life.
We remember things we want to forget, and we forget things we want to remember.