I am that girl who holds grudges. I can point out when you said something that irritated me 3 years ago when we were driving home from having dinner at that place near our office. I also have been having unrealistic expectation towards people around me, that is why I mostly take my closest ones for granted, which often ends up in us falling out.
Just because someone loves you in a way that is different from what you have expected, does not mean they do not love you with everything they have.
Damn, I have known this passage but why do I keep falling to the same psychological trap I have created myself?
I owe someone that used to be very close to me, an email reply. I need to explain to them (singular) why I was upset, and do I still think of them as my bestfriend (they asked about this in their last sentence, so heartbreaking). I honestly do not know where to start nor what to expect! I really really love them and I really want to mend our relationship because I love them very much and I have missed them a lot. I do know that I need to apologize, but I cannot seem to be brave enough not to expect things will just go back to the way it used to be, the way we used to be. I know that once I actually write back to them, my heart will be flooded with selfish expectation and I honestly am not strong enough to face the worst because even I know it is a bit impossible to go back to the way we used to.
I am wrong. I make a lot of mistakes, I am not proud of it, but I have outgrown that childish phase where I seemed to be in need to control everything and everyone dear to me. Oh dear, I sometimes want to go back and slap myself twice just to prevent my past self from making childish mistake I did back then. Can we just fast forward to the ending where everyone is happy? I am not good at this kind of mental battle. I am not strong enough because I love them so much I do not want to be let down once again.
Jeez, this sounds crazy ~I know~ and this is not even a romantic relationship, it is pure genuine close friendship! (was).