I wrote this post Dilan the series

Reading Dilan trilogy, I cried because I understand how it felt to lose someone because you loved him too much. I cried harder reading what he felt.

I always love wholeheartedly, it is either a blessing or a curse. I never dated someone I did not really love, thus I never had any fuck buddy or whatcamacalit because for me, feelings need to be involved. Yes, I am that emotional girl.

I could relate to some of Milea’s actions like forcing Dilan to spend the day with her because she was afraid, or going to the place where he hung out before the storm. There is one thing that I can’t just agree and I guess this is the peak point of their relationship, which is when Milea was not there when Dilan needed her the most during Akew’s death. I had my chance of reacting (when a man I was close with had his senior passed away because of school gang). Although we were not together yet at that moment, I guess if we were to were together (subjunctive mood-ception) I would have (had have? grrah this double entree is a bit confusing lol) cried with him because no matter what, he was broken and devastated. Milea’s action is understandable, but just is not desired, I guess.

Looking back, I have done things ‘in the name of love’ where if I see it now, it was probably a bit  too much.

However, I actually do not really feel sorry for acting that way. You can blame me or fight me or even unlove me, I won’t say sorry for being real.

Love itself is selfish, don’t you think? The desire of having someone being exclusive with you, the urge of owning (and being owned, I see you sub) by someone. These actions in-the-name-of-love are selfish. That is why there is a relationship where two parties need to have some sort of  mutual understanding and agreement for in-the-name-of-love actions.

If only Dilan was being honest with Milea, if only Dilan said that her actions were bothering him. 

Milea was brave enough to tell Dilan that she only wanted Dilan to be safe, thus her crazy behaviour seemed overprotective. I actually have no idea if she could change or was it really the way she was, but the thing is,

she was not given the chance to change, to adjust, to try. 

I think that is the saddest part.

That is why, maybe, maaaaaybe, Milea still thinks about Dilan from time to time.

My first relationship was full of immaturity and childish behaviour (not only me, dude, I know you know it too) but, we were given the chance to reconcile months after the break up and it did not turn out well. That was when I knew we clearly were not made for each other, and we are.

(Oh, what about my second relationship, you asked? We were (I was forced to, to be honest) given zillion chances to try to fix it, but you cannot repair a broken heart with only bandages I guess. There is no way in hell we are made for each other LOL I honestly do not care if I am being rude!)

However, after all, the books are situated in high school era, where we were young and dumb and foolish; times where we acted like we knew our future.

What makes it so special is the fact that it was that relationship that scars you but also defines you the most.

These book left a bittersweet taste for me. It got me reminiscing my old fling, my mistakes, my innocence. It was like a retrospective. It taught us that timing is such a bitch and communication is freaking vital.

Because the biggest broken heart usually let you know what should you look for in the greatest relationship you will ever had.

 

 

 

 

“The Gentle Sadness of Things”

Finite, a concept that is often forgotten although it applies to everything related to us human. An opened carton of your favourite milk, your red lipstick that always gives you enough confidence to conquer the day, that one doll you always slept with throughout your childhood, those will expire, eventually. Although some of them have more sentimental value than others, those are still just, you know, things. Stuffs. You can purchase the same kind again or have it framed and hanged in your wall for sentimental forsaken.

As a human, our days are numbered as well and it has been unspoken secret that we will die someday and leave everything and everyone behind. Sure, it is sad, but you will move on because you just cannot do anything about it anyway.

Then, what about time?

By time, I mean timeframe in relationship. Some relationships last longer than other, and if we are lucky, some relationships will last until forever. Some will just end, mostly because of ugly fights causing ugly break ups. I think the saddest part is when you just drift apart and all you can see when you look back are the bridges you have separately crossed and you don’t even know how to start fixing it. I think we are just too occupied with our own world that we don’t realize all of our relationships are finite.

Mono no Aware: or “the sadness or pathos of things”.  It refers to the bittersweet feeling of seeing things change, the act of watching time pass, as if from the outside looking in. It is, as Sei Shonagon said in the 10th century, “when one has stopped loving somebody, [and] one feels that he has become someone else, even though he is still the same person.” The diminutive pain that accompanies a flower when it withers, and the finite nature of everything.

People see the finite concept as a chance to not take anything for granted and to maximize the time that we have while it is still a thing. On the other hand, being finite is sometimes what makes it beautiful because we tend to appreciate things that are limited in time, in presence, in beings. What saddens us is sometimes, we do not really know when will it end. We go along feeling that we still have a lot of times while in fact, we can lose someone in just a blink of an eye.

You often see the saying ‘lover is temporary, bestfriend and family are forever’. You will also read about your spouse being your partner in life (and death, according to some beliefs). It is sometimes funny how we act like we know we are in this for life so there’s no way we will ever separate, but it just happens because even though we are not changing, things change. You can try put a bandage on the relationship, you can try to recite or renew the commitment, but what happens if someday you wake up and you just know you do not love that person anymore? What happens if the one you tell stories everyday, you just forget to talk to for a week? What happens if you know a person throughout your whole life suddenly become someone you do not even recognize?

These things happen more often than you might know.

I think the point of all this is to really be present – even in things and relationships that you are sure you would not be losing. Our days are numbered. The thing that I have been trying recently is to tell my mom and/or my bestfriend things first before I post it in social media – if at the end I still want to post it. How much more important is it to be really present — in the now — than to pour frivolous information from a screen through your eyeballs into your brain? 

I want to stop wondering what did I do wrong to cause losing a friend of mine everytime I see their pictures or their posts, instead I am being more active by asking another friend of mine if their posts reek of sadness. I need to stop dwelling on things that are over and start really being present – because who knows what might happen, right?

 

To Each His Own

naralea

This post is dedicated to you.

You, a boy who has to lie to his parents about why you don’t seem to have girlfriend all this time. Who has to smile awkwardly whenever your cousins set you up with women from their offices, college, any place they can think of. A girl who has to sit tight and look pretty when your mother begins the talk is it because of what dad did to mom making you prefer woman instead? a right treatment can cure you, baby, you just have to open up to the possibilities. I want a grandchild. 

You, whose parents are we do not have problems with other people who are LGBTQ+ until our child is one of them.

You, who are born and raised in a religious family but just do not find the salvation and same dedication towards your religion. The more they enforce you, the more you distance yourself because you understand, religion is not something you do because you are afraid of your mom punishing you because you don’t pray; religion is something you do because you trust and you believe. and it takes time to process everything. You, who envy people who seem to have stronger faith towards their religion while you still have some questions and thoughts about it because you think God has spoken but what we hear is His interpreter, and He has a lot of it. 

You, who often ask yourself is it wrong to feel what I feel? am I wrong for being real? am I wrong to feel this? am I wrong to actually have feelings?

You, who feel like this world is not your world. You, who feel lost sometimes – or most of the times. Who feel like you should not be doing what you do now, who hate your own job, college, school, you who hate your own face, your body, your skin. You, who hate your economic status. You, who just feel misplaced.

This post is dedicated to all of you who are happy and unhappy. To you who have life all figured out, and who hope you can just delete everything and start over. I just want to say that everyone has this kind of downtime. Some may have it longer than others, but even the richest person in the world don’t have it all. We won’t have life figured out as told by those self-help books, you know, because

We won’t have it all. Yes, there, I said it.

Because we are not meant to have it all. What we can do is try our best because effort won’t betray. We are not meant to have it all because we are created in pairs – we complete each other. That is why we have friends, spouse, family, even official help – because you are never alone if you just look in the right space.

However, before all of that, you know, in order to make people love you, you have to love yourself first, because I think that is the biggest love of all. Why not? You are the person who understand you the most, who know what can make you happy. Screw those fuckbois and ditch those bitches who mess with your feeling and make you feel like you are not worth to be loved – it is them, not you. Work and study hard so you can live by yourself and bid adieu to your family, but don’t forget to check up on them occasionally because most of the times, blood is thicker than water. Save enough money to move somewhere and start over, or retake your undergraduate study with different major – the one you actually like, the point is – starting from now, please prioritize yourself among everything and everyone else. 

If you love something, you’d do anything to let them live and happy, right? Let’s fall in love with ourselves first, the rest of the world can wait.

Thank you, 2016.

naralea

Thank you for the chances, 2016.

You have given me a lot of chances for me to be better. To improve.

Looking back, I don’t even know who I was in the beginning of the year. And now look where I am. I am stronger than I ever was before. I stand for my own self. I begin an endless relationship in 2016 – the self-love that arrives and shines brightly. Oh baby, I could build a castle from the stones they threw at me. 

Now I know that in order to be accepted, I first have to accept myself. I begin to swipe my doubts and be okay with my flaws. I know what I can do, what I can’t do, and what I have to do.

 

Thank you for the courage, 2016.

Some things happened within you that require a bunch of guts for me to take, but I did. I take a leap of faith and I am finally here. Thank you for reminding me that the paths are already opened, I just have to cross the bridges.

My guts outshine my fear of failures, and boy, I could not be more right. I finally feel like I know what I want in life, and this is the right track for me to achieve it.

 

Thank you for the lesson, 2016.

You teach me that the most excruciating pain of this year is to lose something I did not even know I had. I learn the hard way to continue with what I have on my plate right now because sadness demands a lot of attention, but time won’t stop for anything. 

With my heart broken and faith shattered, I still need to wipe my tears and stand up strong because I have other responsibilities for other people whom I won’t take for granted.

 

Thank you for everything, 2016.

In you I get to experience a lot of thing. Sadness, break up, failure, betrayal, and promotion, success, acceptance, also – marriage. Wrong choices, brutal losts, and misplaced trusts won’t affect the feeling that 2016 has been my greatest year up until now. I sincerely thank you, dear me-circa-2016, to be sane enough throughout the year because trust me, it is worth it in the end.

 

Dear 2017,

I cannot wait to see what’s in your agenda for me.

 

 

To my first love: it indeed makes sense now

naralea | first love

You know the feeling that you are so afraid you won’t make it out alive?

You keep questioning why does this have to happen, what wrong you have done to deserve this, why it has to be you of all people? You have been good, man, you have been great. You have given everything you can possibly give, you know that if it were you, you would not let go of you.

But you can’t. Because you are you, and they are they. Because life is not always fair. Because all good things for good people only happens in movie. You need the good thing right now because at least, you would not feel like a complete waste.

For me, that moment will be the first time I fell in love, and got my heart broken into pieces.

The first one is always the benchmark of everything else coming second.

I think, the portion of your first love never really goes away, because I do believe that each of our relationships has taken different portion of our heart. When it is over, a particular portion will be boxed away along with the memories and, also, a tiny amount of ourselves.

My first love lasted for an on-and-off two years, and it shaped me into the person I become right now. I always think the hottest love has the coldest end and sometimes, it is true. I was giving him portion I didn’t know I was capable to have. I started something for the first time, and I failed miserably for the first time as well.

During the break up phase, never once I did not pray to either undo everything or skip to the part where I could wake up and did not think about him. The recovery took a while. I was a mess. Some part of me that was believing in love wholeheartedly came crushing as I stood by and watched it turned to dust. Love was messy and cruel. Why did we love if it wasn’t forever? All of this did not make any sense. 

Although it took a while, but I recovered. I started loving again, and failed, and now, I am in a relationship where I can finally see why. It all makes senses now. In order to be whole, we all need to be damaged first. Some of us are indeed lucky to marry their first loves, but most of all, we have to go through the coldest break up, the cruelest broken heart, and the hardest nights.

For that, I thank you.

I guess I never had a chance to thank you, even though you are most likely confused what for. It is me, it is my personal being that I want to thank you for.

Thank you for being my first. Thank you for teaching that love is not made for eternity. Thank you for showing that no matter how hard we try, if it does not meant to be, it won’t. Thank you for preparing me for the next journey. For the next broken heart. For the next break up. It may or may not be better than our first, but we kind of reassure ourselves that we have been through this kind of thing before and we survived. We will survive again. 

Right now, I am indeed still wearing my heart on my sleeve, but I have faith in me that I can go through with anything because I have been there before. If we *knocking on woods* were to experience *knocking woods again* stuffs like that again, we will be crumbled. We will be a mess. But we will make it, because we. have. always. been.

I Want A Friday Kind Of Love

naralea

 

I want a Friday kind of love. The excitement you have after a rough week to finally meet weekend. A getaway. A break. When you pack your things, look at the window, and smile, knowing you are going home soon. The traffic will be bad, the streets are always crowded, but you don’t care because the shoulder you have been waiting to lean on is waiting for you.

A Friday kind of love is the feeling when you just don’t care about the unfinished reports, the never ending feedbacks from clients that do not seem to understand the limitation you have constantly mentioned, and the office drama where you have to deal with those who do anything just to strengthen their presences. It will be dealt later, you say. It can wait. You deserve the break.

I know that life is not always going like we plan it to. We study at school, we graduate college, and we try to find a job that is feeding our passions. We always have that dream of our future, I do too. I want my future to be bright and beautiful. I have been told that if I work hard, I can actually achieve it, but no one told me how to be okay when things start to fall apart. No one told me what are the signs if I am actually walking the right path, nor how to start over when it actually isn’t. I am afraid of taking chances, because I cannot afford to actually fail. I don’t have the luxury of failing because my safety net has been gone since I was a little kid. But, you. You give me my safety net. You are my safety net. The kind of safety net that is not actually cleaning up my mess, but the kind to reassure that it is okay, I have given my best, I have tried, I just have to try somewhere else.  It is okay to fail, I am strong enough to start over.

Friday is the day I get to spend with you at night without worrying to wake up early on the next day. We can talk about our week because on the usual day, we sometimes forget the little detail. You can play XBox and I can watch movies and it will all be okay, because tomorrow I get to spend the whole day with you. And the day after, as well.

A Friday kind of love is the one we come home to. The one we can escape the reality with, without actually forgetting about it. The one that encourages us to be okay throughout the day. And the week. And the month. And the year. And, hopefully, forever.

 

Inspired by Monday and Tuesday

‘So when will you get married, Nara?’

naralea wedding

As I am typing this, my senior high school friend is marrying the girl from my junior high. My bestfriend, along with her husband, is attending her bestfriend’s wedding. My classmate is blasting her wedding invitation in my junior high class’ chat group.

Everyone else is getting married/planning to do so, and here I am contemplating about it.

I want to get married. I have been dreaming of my wedding since my childhood (and thanks, Pinterest, I am storing my fantasies) but seeing so many failures, even my own parents got divorced, starts to freak me out. I guess things would be better if I had a normal family and my current boyfriend never married before, but we are just not. My family has this weird expectation about marriage and my boyfriend was once married.

The reasons why my family keeps asking me to get married can be simplified into two. First is to stop all the sins we sinners have when we are ‘just’ dating, because dating is not a halal phase to my religion. From the other side of my family, it has become a sorta ‘tradition’ where the eldest is expected to take care of the younger, the burden my dad has to deal since he was young.

Then, my boyfriend’s divorce has set this high parameter for both him and his family, although he may not admit it himself. It is perfectly understandable, but how I wish I was those pure Javanese blood girls who praise their husbands like they are kings of the world. That would have made things easier, for both me & his family. Call me a fake but I just cannot act like myself without fearing they will scold me again with such rude words.

I really wish to get married, but the fear of it being ugly when it starts terrifies me deeper as the days go by. People say that as long as I love him, nothing else matters. I do love him but these things MATTER, because marriage is not only between two of us; it is more to marrying families. I once thought that after I was married, we would have had our world revolved around two of us, but my dear coworker fellow slapped me with ‘yeah I once hoped the same but truth be told, it was not like that. it cannot be like that.’

I dont know, perhaps it is only a childish wishful thinking, but I dont understand why. I cannot accept that if two people love each other and want to tie the knot, it has to be this complicated and messy and, sometimes self-inflicted, damages.

Convince me again why marriage is such a beautiful thing, please?