I wrote this post Dilan the series

Reading Dilan trilogy, I cried because I understand how it felt to lose someone because you loved him too much. I cried harder reading what he felt.

I always love wholeheartedly, it is either a blessing or a curse. I never dated someone I did not really love, thus I never had any fuck buddy or whatcamacalit because for me, feelings need to be involved. Yes, I am that emotional girl.

I could relate to some of Milea’s actions like forcing Dilan to spend the day with her because she was afraid, or going to the place where he hung out before the storm. There is one thing that I can’t just agree and I guess this is the peak point of their relationship, which is when Milea was not there when Dilan needed her the most during Akew’s death. I had my chance of reacting (when a man I was close with had his senior passed away because of school gang). Although we were not together yet at that moment, I guess if we were to were together (subjunctive mood-ception) I would have (had have? grrah this double entree is a bit confusing lol) cried with him because no matter what, he was broken and devastated. Milea’s action is understandable, but just is not desired, I guess.

Looking back, I have done things ‘in the name of love’ where if I see it now, it was probably a bit  too much.

However, I actually do not really feel sorry for acting that way. You can blame me or fight me or even unlove me, I won’t say sorry for being real.

Love itself is selfish, don’t you think? The desire of having someone being exclusive with you, the urge of owning (and being owned, I see you sub) by someone. These actions in-the-name-of-love are selfish. That is why there is a relationship where two parties need to have some sort of  mutual understanding and agreement for in-the-name-of-love actions.

If only Dilan was being honest with Milea, if only Dilan said that her actions were bothering him. 

Milea was brave enough to tell Dilan that she only wanted Dilan to be safe, thus her crazy behaviour seemed overprotective. I actually have no idea if she could change or was it really the way she was, but the thing is,

she was not given the chance to change, to adjust, to try. 

I think that is the saddest part.

That is why, maybe, maaaaaybe, Milea still thinks about Dilan from time to time.

My first relationship was full of immaturity and childish behaviour (not only me, dude, I know you know it too) but, we were given the chance to reconcile months after the break up and it did not turn out well. That was when I knew we clearly were not made for each other, and we are.

(Oh, what about my second relationship, you asked? We were (I was forced to, to be honest) given zillion chances to try to fix it, but you cannot repair a broken heart with only bandages I guess. There is no way in hell we are made for each other LOL I honestly do not care if I am being rude!)

However, after all, the books are situated in high school era, where we were young and dumb and foolish; times where we acted like we knew our future.

What makes it so special is the fact that it was that relationship that scars you but also defines you the most.

These book left a bittersweet taste for me. It got me reminiscing my old fling, my mistakes, my innocence. It was like a retrospective. It taught us that timing is such a bitch and communication is freaking vital.

Because the biggest broken heart usually let you know what should you look for in the greatest relationship you will ever had.





“The Gentle Sadness of Things”

Finite, a concept that is often forgotten although it applies to everything related to us human. An opened carton of your favourite milk, your red lipstick that always gives you enough confidence to conquer the day, that one doll you always slept with throughout your childhood, those will expire, eventually. Although some of them have more sentimental value than others, those are still just, you know, things. Stuffs. You can purchase the same kind again or have it framed and hanged in your wall for sentimental forsaken.

As a human, our days are numbered as well and it has been unspoken secret that we will die someday and leave everything and everyone behind. Sure, it is sad, but you will move on because you just cannot do anything about it anyway.

Then, what about time?

By time, I mean timeframe in relationship. Some relationships last longer than other, and if we are lucky, some relationships will last until forever. Some will just end, mostly because of ugly fights causing ugly break ups. I think the saddest part is when you just drift apart and all you can see when you look back are the bridges you have separately crossed and you don’t even know how to start fixing it. I think we are just too occupied with our own world that we don’t realize all of our relationships are finite.

Mono no Aware: or “the sadness or pathos of things”.  It refers to the bittersweet feeling of seeing things change, the act of watching time pass, as if from the outside looking in. It is, as Sei Shonagon said in the 10th century, “when one has stopped loving somebody, [and] one feels that he has become someone else, even though he is still the same person.” The diminutive pain that accompanies a flower when it withers, and the finite nature of everything.

People see the finite concept as a chance to not take anything for granted and to maximize the time that we have while it is still a thing. On the other hand, being finite is sometimes what makes it beautiful because we tend to appreciate things that are limited in time, in presence, in beings. What saddens us is sometimes, we do not really know when will it end. We go along feeling that we still have a lot of times while in fact, we can lose someone in just a blink of an eye.

You often see the saying ‘lover is temporary, bestfriend and family are forever’. You will also read about your spouse being your partner in life (and death, according to some beliefs). It is sometimes funny how we act like we know we are in this for life so there’s no way we will ever separate, but it just happens because even though we are not changing, things change. You can try put a bandage on the relationship, you can try to recite or renew the commitment, but what happens if someday you wake up and you just know you do not love that person anymore? What happens if the one you tell stories everyday, you just forget to talk to for a week? What happens if you know a person throughout your whole life suddenly become someone you do not even recognize?

These things happen more often than you might know.

I think the point of all this is to really be present – even in things and relationships that you are sure you would not be losing. Our days are numbered. The thing that I have been trying recently is to tell my mom and/or my bestfriend things first before I post it in social media – if at the end I still want to post it. How much more important is it to be really present — in the now — than to pour frivolous information from a screen through your eyeballs into your brain? 

I want to stop wondering what did I do wrong to cause losing a friend of mine everytime I see their pictures or their posts, instead I am being more active by asking another friend of mine if their posts reek of sadness. I need to stop dwelling on things that are over and start really being present – because who knows what might happen, right?


To Each His Own


This post is dedicated to you.

You, a boy who has to lie to his parents about why you don’t seem to have girlfriend all this time. Who has to smile awkwardly whenever your cousins set you up with women from their offices, college, any place they can think of. A girl who has to sit tight and look pretty when your mother begins the talk is it because of what dad did to mom making you prefer woman instead? a right treatment can cure you, baby, you just have to open up to the possibilities. I want a grandchild. 

You, whose parents are we do not have problems with other people who are LGBTQ+ until our child is one of them.

You, who are born and raised in a religious family but just do not find the salvation and same dedication towards your religion. The more they enforce you, the more you distance yourself because you understand, religion is not something you do because you are afraid of your mom punishing you because you don’t pray; religion is something you do because you trust and you believe. and it takes time to process everything. You, who envy people who seem to have stronger faith towards their religion while you still have some questions and thoughts about it because you think God has spoken but what we hear is His interpreter, and He has a lot of it. 

You, who often ask yourself is it wrong to feel what I feel? am I wrong for being real? am I wrong to feel this? am I wrong to actually have feelings?

You, who feel like this world is not your world. You, who feel lost sometimes – or most of the times. Who feel like you should not be doing what you do now, who hate your own job, college, school, you who hate your own face, your body, your skin. You, who hate your economic status. You, who just feel misplaced.

This post is dedicated to all of you who are happy and unhappy. To you who have life all figured out, and who hope you can just delete everything and start over. I just want to say that everyone has this kind of downtime. Some may have it longer than others, but even the richest person in the world don’t have it all. We won’t have life figured out as told by those self-help books, you know, because

We won’t have it all. Yes, there, I said it.

Because we are not meant to have it all. What we can do is try our best because effort won’t betray. We are not meant to have it all because we are created in pairs – we complete each other. That is why we have friends, spouse, family, even official help – because you are never alone if you just look in the right space.

However, before all of that, you know, in order to make people love you, you have to love yourself first, because I think that is the biggest love of all. Why not? You are the person who understand you the most, who know what can make you happy. Screw those fuckbois and ditch those bitches who mess with your feeling and make you feel like you are not worth to be loved – it is them, not you. Work and study hard so you can live by yourself and bid adieu to your family, but don’t forget to check up on them occasionally because most of the times, blood is thicker than water. Save enough money to move somewhere and start over, or retake your undergraduate study with different major – the one you actually like, the point is – starting from now, please prioritize yourself among everything and everyone else. 

If you love something, you’d do anything to let them live and happy, right? Let’s fall in love with ourselves first, the rest of the world can wait.

Nikah Kapanpun – None of Your Goddamn Biz, People.

naralea wedding

Belakangan gue sering banget ngeliat pembahasan soal nikah. Nikah muda, nikah telat, nikah ketuaan, kebelet nikah, bahkan fenomena ga nikah-nikah atau memutuskan untuk ga pernah nikah sekalipun. Kayanya semua berawal dari anak salah satu uztad terkenal yang menikah muda, dan #NetizenBerkomentar banyak karena yang bersangkutan sendiri banyak raise statement-statement mengundang diskusi seperti ‘daripada dosa, mending nikah’. Gue gamau munafik, gue juga membalas pertanyaan tentang dia di ask.fm tapi lebih ke arah nikah muda-nya dan statement dia sendiri, (come on, as if kita ngga sepunya akal sehat itu sampe ga bisa ngontrol nafsu kita sendiri?) I don’t really give a s about him. It is his life, his decision. Dari situ, mulai deh banyak postingan dari akun-akun content marketplace yang highlight nikah muda untuk menghindari dosa.

Lalu banyak kasus-kasus lain bertebaran. Dua yang gue inget banget itu adalah (1) kasus cewek yang ninggalin pacarnya demi nikah sama orang lain yang emang udah siap nikahin & literally ngajak dia nikah. Well, to be fair, dia bilang kalo objektif dia emang nikah muda (ga bilang sama siapanya sih yang penting nikah?). Yang nomer (2) adalah artis senior yang sudah masuk usia senja dan memutuskan untuk menikah dengan budayawan Indonesia. Banyak yang nyinyir gatel banget sih udah tua masih aja ngebet nikah.

Dari semua, yang paling mengganggu gue adalah kehadiran para SJW-SJW yang mulai ngebash fenomena nikah muda as an achievement. I am not saying that they are wrong, but I don’t see the point of bashing someone else’s point of view because of that. Gue setuju sama pendapat mereka kalo everybody has different timing, tapi itu juga berlaku buat semuanya loh, jangan biased karena merasa diattack dengan banyaknya konten soal ajakan nikah muda? Kenapa sih diurusin banget? Terlebih, banyak konten yang bisa diartikan dengan ‘gue belom mau nikah karena gue masih ngejar karir dan/atau pendidikan’ yaudah, we all appreciate your voices and thoughts, but that doesn’t mean lo berhak being a bitch ke orang seumuran atau di bawah lo yang nikah muda. Hey, doesnt mean to brag but I got married young and a. I am now a senior manager and b. I got accepted in #1 Aus univ for my master. Kalo lo emang ngerti statement everybody has different timing, ya really mean it dong. Jangan cuma pake itu kalo lo butuh defense.

What I am trying to say is orang bisa nikah kapanpun dimanapun sama siapapun dan selama lo ga bayarin nikahnya dia, your opinion is not needed. Sure, semua orang bebas beropini, semua orang bebas mengutarakan opininya, tapi pikir lagi deh buat apa sih sampe ofensif? Jangan mengeneralisir suatu tindakan cuma karena lo ga suka sama tindakan itu. Anak belom lulus SMA mau nikah? Biarin aje. Nenek-nenek mau nikah lagi? Yaudah sih orang butuh teman, terlebih di masa tua. Dia gamau nikah? His/her life.

Gue sering nyeletuk ‘hhh aku kecepetan nih nikah aku mau nikmatin masa muda dulu’ yang terus dibales Rey ‘yaelah kamu masa balita aja belom lulus’ cuma gue tidak menyesali keputusan gue nikah di umur 24. Gue nikah karena gue sayang, cinta, yakin, dan percaya sama Rey. I hope you find someone who can convince you of the thought ‘forever and ever’, like I did. Semua orang punya waktu sendiri-sendiri. Mine started last December.


Thank you, 2016.


Thank you for the chances, 2016.

You have given me a lot of chances for me to be better. To improve.

Looking back, I don’t even know who I was in the beginning of the year. And now look where I am. I am stronger than I ever was before. I stand for my own self. I begin an endless relationship in 2016 – the self-love that arrives and shines brightly. Oh baby, I could build a castle from the stones they threw at me. 

Now I know that in order to be accepted, I first have to accept myself. I begin to swipe my doubts and be okay with my flaws. I know what I can do, what I can’t do, and what I have to do.


Thank you for the courage, 2016.

Some things happened within you that require a bunch of guts for me to take, but I did. I take a leap of faith and I am finally here. Thank you for reminding me that the paths are already opened, I just have to cross the bridges.

My guts outshine my fear of failures, and boy, I could not be more right. I finally feel like I know what I want in life, and this is the right track for me to achieve it.


Thank you for the lesson, 2016.

You teach me that the most excruciating pain of this year is to lose something I did not even know I had. I learn the hard way to continue with what I have on my plate right now because sadness demands a lot of attention, but time won’t stop for anything. 

With my heart broken and faith shattered, I still need to wipe my tears and stand up strong because I have other responsibilities for other people whom I won’t take for granted.


Thank you for everything, 2016.

In you I get to experience a lot of thing. Sadness, break up, failure, betrayal, and promotion, success, acceptance, also – marriage. Wrong choices, brutal losts, and misplaced trusts won’t affect the feeling that 2016 has been my greatest year up until now. I sincerely thank you, dear me-circa-2016, to be sane enough throughout the year because trust me, it is worth it in the end.


Dear 2017,

I cannot wait to see what’s in your agenda for me.



You promised destiny, but somehow you cannot stand the distance


This is how it feels knowing the expired date is close behind. I cannot ask you to promise that things will be just fine, because I know it wont. Things never work out for me, and I just found out that you are not an exception.

I wish I had an exception.

I always screw up, like, in the best way possible. Goodbye is all I have ever known. When I met you, I wish that you were an exception, because I felt like I deserve an exception, and it now kills me slowly knowing you are not.

I know we really do not have a fucking clue about the future, and we shall not act like we have one, but that does not mean we cannot predict it. We will end up going our own ways, because that is how it works with me. I never once have a really happy ending, and I now give up wishing for one. Because when I finally got my heart to love again, to trust again, to hope again, it ends in tears.

Some of me wants to end it right now and wears the dignity of being the one who leaves, but the other part of me is afraid to take the risk of being the one who is broken. Because I always am.

I really want to stop loving. I will, someday. Just not today. I promise myself to stop loving someone because nothing good ever comes out of it.

This original post was written and published on my personal blog in March 2014.

Hey baby

there is so much I want to say to you

like your question about what is it about me who is so feisty, so full of opinions, so straightforward, can go mute when confrontation approaches?
what is it about me who can be so brave on words under real life but so scared of talking to you face to face?
what is it with me who, as you call it, runaway when things are not comforting for me?

because confrontation makes my skin crawls, and people are always going to fucking leave.

I avoid saying anything that will put a riff between us because you can leave and it scares me so much, it is the most terrifying thing I have ever learned. here it goes: my own dad, the first and only man I was truly needed left when I was not done needing him, it is a fair game for you to decide to leave me.
to decide I am not worth it.

honestly, I am so afraid that someday, you’ll realize that I have a major severe abandonment issue. and then you will start to look up to my family to try to find the cause of why am I so messed up (like your mother did) and then you will realize that I am a real mess starting from a kid, and likely there is no way to change that, you will wonder if you still want to go the distance with me in the future, and you will start to think that you may be wasting your time from July 2014, and then you will leave, because they all do, because people are mean and cruel, because deep down I know that there is something off with me from the very first time, and I also know that nobody stays, and I will end up alone.

I do not realize that the issue of my dad & family has been affecting me more than I thought. at the moment, you are sleeping beside me and I wonder how much longer will you be loving me before you left. because despite your (and your mom’s) flaws, you are the best thing that happens to me up until now. but I know, you deserve better than just me, a childish, spoiled, cry-baby, glutton girl that is actually a wreck.

you deserve a mature woman with no issue and a normal family. me? I know I am childish, I know I attach too much to you, I just hope someday you will find the reason why I attach myself too much to you: because I have nobody else whom I can count in my life. when my dad left and my mom screwed up, I have been detaching myself from so-called parents. when you walk into my life, I attach too much.

you know? after I post this blog, I will curl into your arm and hug you so tight trying to savor the moment.

I love you.

This original post was written and published on my personal blog in January 2015.


Why Marketing Automation is Important


Have you ever heard of Marketing Automation without really knowing what is it about?

Well, in this advanced digital era, people are shifting from the traditional marketing towards the machine – tools, channels, e-data, etc. Marketing Automation is a process of leading your leads to the buying process with the right content for the right audience in the right time.

Marketing Automation usually stands alone as its own tool or exists as a built-in feature in CMS (I am usually implementing it with Kentico EMS – recommended!) that helps the marketers prioritize and execute the marketing task in a more effective way. The question is – do we need it?

Few good reasons why

  • We won’t waste time on manually update the contact sheet after we follow up, which we have to store manually also lol this is so old school #vintage
  • We won’t be perceived as disturbing to our customers because we do not blast the same thing to the mass – we hand-pick the content and deliver it as a nice, personalized package to the right audience, because we too feel disturbed right, e.g me when I see Golf promo arrived in my Inbox, wtf?
  • We won’t be wasting time and money marketing to someone who may not be interested in what our sharing, because you know content development is really time-consuming

There goes the second question, what does Marketing Automation look like?

What Is It Really About

To understand what Marketing Automation is, let’s see a traditional marketing example below:

Step 1: You send an email invitation to your activation event

Step 2: You send a thank you note to all the people who have RSVP’ed

Step 3: A few days later, you send a follow up email to the list of people who have confirmed, explaining the event and give a quick summary

Step 4: After the event is finished, you send the recorded material to all people who both attend and don’t attend to your event and leave an email and call number should they be interested in your product.

These steps are what traditional marketing is. There is no sense of personalized invitation because audiences are smart enough to know that those are email blast. In Marketing Automation, you can do things as follow:

Step 1: You differentiate your customers based on their interests to select those who may be interested with the event

Step 2: You send a personalized email to those lead

Step 3: You send emails a few days later for people who already rsvp, who have opened the email back and forth without responding to the invitation, who have rejected the invitation, and who have not yet opened the email. Each action defines the kind of content that you should send.

Step 4: You send a kind reminder to those who book, and you also send an email with different offer who ignore the event but showing different interest in the product.

With Marketing Automation, targeting the right audience is simpler and it turns out to be more effective. Companies that use marketing automation qualify 53% more leads, while the 65% of companies that don’t have a defined lead nurturing process or toolset in place lose a shocking 79% of leads (source: League Digital). First-hand experience, Marketing Automation makes it easy for us to plan, implement, and track the process of achieving goals in terms of marketing and sales. It is easier as well to automate experience in website, such as providing a whole journey for people who come from Google search based on a particular keyword or welcoming people accessing the website from a particular city with targeted promo for that city only. Let’s maximize our digital asset with personalized experience using Marketing Automation! 😉

Every fire is a lesson learned

You know, the older you get, the more you get to know yourself. Well, I finally get a better view about myself. At least. Haha. I mean, I made so many mistakes for the sake of growing up. Some of those mistakes, I cannot actually forget. It is always there to remind you how douchebag you are, and it never really wears off. You just get to a point where your mistakes wont wear you off. You are not defined by your mistakes; you are defined by what you overcome.

Every fire is a lesson learned.

I do not always remember what other people have done me wrong, but when I do, I never forget how those feel. I am a sucker at forgiving someone without being a bitch about it. Actually, the more I am mad, the more I get cold. I mean, like permanent cold. I’d rather be cold and cynical than have to explode and cuss and mock and yell and whatevs. I just dont think it worths. All I do is putting it down to my memories and making sure I remember that just in case I have to use that as my defense or I ever think about dealing with that person again. I used to think its a good idea until….. I read about repressed emotion in defense mechanism at psychoanalysis (God, are you Sigmund Freud?)

I don’t care if people say Sigmund Freud is crazy. I adore him. So basically, defense mechanisms are unconscious coping mechanisms that reduce anxiety generated by threats from unacceptable impulses.

The big idea of Psychoanalysis is the ego — the “I” — sits at the center of some pretty powerful forces: reality; society, as represented by the superego; biology, as represented by the id.
When these make conflicting demands upon the poor ego, it is understandable if we feel threatened, feel overwhelmed, feel as if it were about to collapse under the weight of it all.  This feeling is called anxiety, and it serves as a signal to the ego that its survival, and with it the survival of the whole organism, is in jeopardy. In order to deal with conflict and problems in life, Freud stated that the ego employs a range of defense mechanisms.  Defense mechanisms operate at an unconscious level and help ward off unpleasant feelings (i.e. anxiety) or make good things feel better for the individual. Kind of defense mechanism are:

Repression is an unconscious mechanism employed by the ego to keep disturbing or threatening thoughts from becoming conscious. Thoughts that are often repressed are those that would result in feelings of guilt from the superego. This is not a very successful defense in the long term since it involves forcing disturbing wishes, ideas or memories into the unconscious, where, although hidden, they will create anxiety 

Wow. I mean, wow yea that makes sense, especially the issues I have to deal with my family. I never really burst out into anger while I just try to repress the emotion because it hurts only talking about it. I dislike explaining what I truly feel so I just go on like nothing ever happens. Is this really a symptom of a mental illness in Psychology?

But I still do not want to deal with it..

I Want A Friday Kind Of Love



I want a Friday kind of love. The excitement you have after a rough week to finally meet weekend. A getaway. A break. When you pack your things, look at the window, and smile, knowing you are going home soon. The traffic will be bad, the streets are always crowded, but you don’t care because the shoulder you have been waiting to lean on is waiting for you.

A Friday kind of love is the feeling when you just don’t care about the unfinished reports, the never ending feedbacks from clients that do not seem to understand the limitation you have constantly mentioned, and the office drama where you have to deal with those who do anything just to strengthen their presences. It will be dealt later, you say. It can wait. You deserve the break.

I know that life is not always going like we plan it to. We study at school, we graduate college, and we try to find a job that is feeding our passions. We always have that dream of our future, I do too. I want my future to be bright and beautiful. I have been told that if I work hard, I can actually achieve it, but no one told me how to be okay when things start to fall apart. No one told me what are the signs if I am actually walking the right path, nor how to start over when it actually isn’t. I am afraid of taking chances, because I cannot afford to actually fail. I don’t have the luxury of failing because my safety net has been gone since I was a little kid. But, you. You give me my safety net. You are my safety net. The kind of safety net that is not actually cleaning up my mess, but the kind to reassure that it is okay, I have given my best, I have tried, I just have to try somewhere else.  It is okay to fail, I am strong enough to start over.

Friday is the day I get to spend with you at night without worrying to wake up early on the next day. We can talk about our week because on the usual day, we sometimes forget the little detail. You can play XBox and I can watch movies and it will all be okay, because tomorrow I get to spend the whole day with you. And the day after, as well.

A Friday kind of love is the one we come home to. The one we can escape the reality with, without actually forgetting about it. The one that encourages us to be okay throughout the day. And the week. And the month. And the year. And, hopefully, forever.


Inspired by Monday and Tuesday