How to differentiate between a depression or a genuine feeling? How do you know if you are actually sad or unhappy or just depressed or anxious in general?
Now that I am a mum, I find it really hard to make time for myself to digest what I am actually feeling, as everything seems to happen constantly without stopping. If I somehow get a break, I am usually already physically tired and instead of processing my thought, I do things to distract myself because it is just so tiring. I once was really tired from non-stop working but nothing a good sleep or a good massage cannot fix. This time, I am just defeated. It is physically exhausting to deal with this haziness, to be anxious almost all the time, and to put up a happy face because you have people depending on you.
Not that I hate what I am doing, I chose to be a wife and mum. I have to be responsible. However this is something I cannot really expect, and with the world keeps spinning around, I somehow wish it could stop for a moment because I want to deal with myself. I need to deal with myself, before I do something that I won’t be proud of. Being isolated like this somehow makes things worse as I just simply have no space. I want to lock myself in a room all day but I cannot even have a bath without bub banging on bathroom door. Rey sometimes let me sleeps longer on weekend morning, but it is not enough. This is not enough. I can feel it bottling up inside me, about to burst. I want to talk to my friends, but I myself am not sure how to tell this. I love Rey, I want to share this with him, but even some mundane things we already have disagreement on understanding this. How do I ask for help when I myself am not sure what I truly feel?
I truly feel like I am betraying myself and all things I stand up for. There is this glimpse of fear that I wouldn’t like the outcome of this. People will get hurt. I am strong enough to still be alive even I am hurting myself in the end, but I am not sure what I would feel if I am hurting my loved one(s) instead. I just have the hunch I will, and it scares the crap out of me. I think that is why I push this aside, but I know I have to deal with this mess, with myself, with this heaviness, soon.
I don’t need someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be fine, I know it will be fine after it has been dealt with. I just need to deal with it but I am not sure where or when or how to.