The yummiest shokupan

It’s been days since my D&C surgery, and the pain is back. I no longer have a bleeding but goodness gracious, the pain reminds me of the contractions I felt before birth. Sadly, every time it hurts, my soul also hurts. The pain always reminds me that my baby’s gone. I max out on pain meds but the pain remains, it’s like I am forced to feel everything that panpan makes me feel, even if it really hurts, even if it makes me want to die, even if it makes me cry.

The miscarriage itself, they keep saying it’s not something I do, or do not do. It’s not something I eat, I do, or I drink. It’s just the way it is; sometimes the fetus just does not grow. I understand that people keep telling me this in order to make me feel better, but that actually makes me mad. It makes me sick, because I cannot do anything about it. No matter how many visits I have with my doctors, how frequent I did the ultrasound, how many times they drew my blood, how many pills I had taken per day, how may infusions and transfusions I had, how detailed the nutritionist crafted my meal plan, my baby would still be gone. The heart just stopped beating, and in that moment, I wish my heart would also stop beating. How many times have I got to learn that there are a lot of things I just cannot control? Even if it’s a part of me, it’s never fully mine to begin with. Why? Why is it like that?

I would never forget that day, where I laid in that tiny room, on a bed covered by white cloth, with Bonbon caressing my cheek because all he knew was we went to hospital because mommy was sick. The kind guy poured gel to my tummy and tried to look for the life. It was unclear, and they decided to go in. After they did, my question remained the same ‘I cannot see the heart beating, why is the heart not beating?’ I just knew that I lost a part of me, but I didn’t cry, yet. They then went out to talk to the obgyn. I sat on the bed, Rey rubbing my back, Bonbon playing with the machine. We were waiting for the obgyn to come see us with the result but I knew what I saw, or did not see, my baby’s heart was no longer beating. Panpan was gone.

What happened afterwards was me detaching myself and let my auto-pilot took over. Talking to the doctor, filling out surgery form, went to grab packages and had dinner, I knew what I was doing but it just felt like I was dreaming. It was only until I went home, took a shower, laid in my cold bed, I realised that this wasn’t a dream and I really did lose my baby. I saw my pills on the side, my sour patch that helped with my nausea, my giant water bottle, a printed USG result where I first listened to your heartbeat, I just lost it. I cried myself to sleep, what was I supposed to do with myself now?

I could not remember sleeping, only crying while being hugged by Rey the following morning. I lost it, I lost it, I lost it. The hospital then called, scheduling my D&C next Tuesday. She asked are you in pain right now? I just answered no, I am just very sad. I also left a voicemail to my shrink. She called me in like 15 minutes and we had a lovely conversation. I cried some more, and slept, and cried again. I did get up on Monday though, dolling up and asking Rey to go on date after we dropped Bonbon at daycare. We went to the Glen, ate crabs and seafood and also went to Timezone. I’d like to think that this is our last date with Panpan, three of us. I had to look good, I had to pamper my baby, I had to make a great memory!

Tuesday came. It was a blur. Rey dropped me off at hospital while he drove Bon to daycare. I sat there at the waiting room of Day Treatment Centre, couldn’t stop fidgeting my fingers. The back of my palm hurt because I kept pressing my nails on them to keep myself from running. Why is hospital so cold? I then was taken to pre-op room where Rey finally came back. We took a selfie because I would like to remember that day with smile, because God was so jealous He decided to take panpan back. I broke down at the theatre room though, especially when I saw that damn giant lamps that look like an octopus. The nurses were caressing my arm, trying to calm me down. Didn’t work so the sleepy sleeping doctor (she called herself that) immediately put the mask that help me sleep. Sadly, I still woke up. Panpan was still gone. However life must go on.

I got a lot, like a lot lot, of heartwarming messages, texts, calls (which I didn’t pick up I am sorry), and even my lovely team sent me a hampers. It’s really hard to answer, because I am so… angry. I am sad, but I am more angry. I did everything right so why was Panpan gone? Even after they took Panpan from me, why does this still hurt? Physically, mentally. Why?

At first, I thought if I keep saying I’m okay, I would really be okay at the end. What was I gonna say? Their intentions were so beautiful, they really wanted me to be okay. I would do the same if I were them. It isn’t fair if I reply by saying ‘no I am not okay, I am angry, I want to die, I want to wreak havoc to everything, I want to punch something, I want to scream.’ So I can only answer ‘I’ll be okay’. I will definitely be okay, I just don’t know when.

I don’t want to hurt nor offend people who are nothing but so kind and heartwarming to me, so I do the next best thing I can do to untangle this situation, I write. I am still so angry, but now the anger isn’t misplaced, because deep down I know I am just angry at myself. We know the risk of miscarriages, we know that we cannot control it, we know that we have to move on, we know that we’re luckier that we even had a chance to conceive, we know, I know, I know, I know, does not make it hurt less though.

Once the pain subsides, I’ll just go for a long, long walk because this is just getting more unhealthy. I need a break, a fresh air. I want to be able to celebrate life again, although I’ll be mourning Panpan for the rest of my life. However, for now, there’s this version of me, bedridden because of the pain, extra sleepy because of the pills, still a bit angry and still very sad, on my way to be at peace and reach acceptance. It will take time, I might lose things or even friends in the process, but that’s just life. I never have the option to leave it so I’ll just take it. Thank you so so much for everyone who left me kind messages, I sincerely hope that these good prayers and wishes will come back to you guys as well. Be patient with me okay? I am still in repair. 🙂❤️‍🩹