Dirty thirty

The fact that in less than 3h I’ll officially be turning thirty strangely makes me at peace, maybe it is because I am still processing how am I still alive, sometimes without my consent. There is this new reels trend going around where we state “if I hurt myself, it means I am hurting her/him *pointing at our childhood photo.” Well good for you then, because childhood me would’ve been fine, she went through worse. Teenage me only survived because of my friends and some close family, and mostly money. Twenties me, though, is a completely different story. I cannot remember who I was when I turned 20, but these past 10 years have been a hell of a ride, at some points it even felt like the car that I drove did not have a working brake. Again, I am still alive.

These past three years I have been getting the helps that I need, and I learned (the hard way) that although I was hurt, not every people who caused it actually intended to hurt me. It’s just how life is, actions taken and chosen by other people will affect you, one way or another. You can resent them for it (God knows I have my death note) but once you realize that they do not intend to hurt you, you may find yourself in a strange situation where you can still feel the scar, but you can be civil to them. Accepting this situation takes a lot of time, like a whole lot of (expensive) time, but I like how they make me feel afterwards, which is nothing.

There were times when I really wanted to inflict the same pain to those who did me dirty, but then my shrink told me that I was being sadistic. I then GASPED and squawked a bit, then it clicked to me that maybe I am sadistic because I intentionally wanted to hurt them for revenge, whilst we have established that some of them did not hurt me intentionally. I then drove home, deep in thought, why did I spend so much money just to be called out like this while ignoring the fact it was a very much needed calling.

With this new realization (I want to call it Renaissance but who the fuck do I think I am) I manage to face some of my deepest fears, and it truly feels liberating now. Of course there are times when I break down because I was working on not holding grudge, not on numbing my pain or not being hurt. It still hurts, but for once I do not let the pain sabotage myself and my surroundings. Is this what it feels to be grown up?

I think this is why I welcome this new head of age with open arms. It still feels dirty-ish because I don’t have a lot of saving (just came back from our delayed trip home that cost me a shitload of money) so still am forever broke, still simp over fictional characters (and kpop), still cry whilst watching Terminator. Well, I think what makes it different from when I was turning twenty is that I now have a little me stroking my left ear while I am typing this. It is sometimes scary how his attitude resembles mine, and it always gives me headache living together with two person whose love language are physical touch while I hate, loathe, dislike being touched!!!! Fuck cuddling to sleep just crank the aircon up and leave me be with only my body heat please.

I have had a LOT of my firsts during my twenties, and I still plan on having a lot of firsts during my thirties. I still don’t know what I am doing most of the times, but at least I now know what I do not want, what I cannot tolerate, and I can say it without crying (most of the times). Confrontation still makes my skin crawl, but I have confidence in myself on facing them head-on (again, most of the times). Who would have known that I have been married for 6 fucking years now, even gave freaking birth to an actual human.

Well, I still suck at ending my post though, so,… bye?